Two scary words...

As though things couldn't get any worse they did...  I went in for the ultra sound of my right knee today.  Two of my doctors both said it was a Baker's Cyst...man were they wrong.  The lady who was doing the ultra sound said that it looked like a tumor...yup, a tumor.

That single word...tumor...can make the heart stop, the mind race, and fear to grip you as tight as steel bands.  No matter how strong you think you are, as soon as you hear those words in regards to yourself, you get spooked.  Of course Strider's not that freaked out about all of this, not like I expected him to even show it, but still.

I can't even go talk to my neighbor KA, she's been too busy hanging out with KM lately.  They've been inseparable, I guess it's good that they found each other, but did they have to stop talking to me? KM tries to act as though she cares, but I'm not even sure if she does anymore.  It's okay, I'm used to this happening, I can get through this without them if I have to.

I'm just hoping that this isn't the cancerous type of tumor, especially where it is, too close to the lymph node behind my knee, it's not good looking.  I've had one fight with cancer, if I have to fight it again, I will.

The really hard part is that I know that I'll need surgery to have it removed, but Strider won't be here for it.  He's deploying anytime within the next week, maybe two at the most.  With him leaving soon I need to stay strong and not let Bug see me crack.

Strider will be deploying for 6 months, when Bug was younger it was so much easier, but now that she's older, I have a feeling it'll be a bit rougher on both of us. We'll get through it, just have to keep busy and keep my chin up. Yet another word that's scary...deploying...

I think that's it for now...I need to get my head together so I can handle all this crap that's been piled onto my plate over this past month.


< /RANT >

At a loss...yet again

I'm at a loss, what am I supposed to do? On Friday my mom flipped out on me about her grill.  Strider and I both told her how easy it was to replace the igniter, as long as you followed the instructions.  She did it and then called me screaming and cursing at me.  When I asked her to stop yelling at me she got even worse, telling me to shove it up my ass then she hung up on me.  All weekend we hadn't heard from her, then today while I was at PT she called and left a message on the house phone. I called her back, which is the polite thing to do.  When I asked her what was up she said "I left you a message telling you". So I asked her why she was getting rid of the grill, her response was "Because I am." I was about to ask her a question about the location of a place I need to go to for therapy, and she said "That's all, good bye" and hung up on me. What the hell am I supposed to do? I feel as though I'm going in circles with her.

When she gets her way she's all sweet and nice, but as soon as one thing goes wrong or not in her favor she flips out and becomes very belligerent. Her personality seems so damned toxic, and I really don't want Bug exposed to that.

Last week she told Bug that she was going to buy her a new play-set, the very next day she said she wasn't going to do it, which upset Bug and made her cry. My mom told her to stop being so dramatic and deal with it.  Really? That's not how to treat a child, I don't care if they're crying or not. If you tell a child that you're going to do something and then change your mind and get snippy about it, you better expect the child to cry and be upset with you.

On Easter Sunday Strider's uncle D was in the area so he stopped by. He took us out for dinner, my mom included. It was a good time despite my mom being her usual self.  Last night when I was talking to D over the phone I voiced how I felt about my mom and the way she's been acting. He said that he wasn't sure how to approach the subject with me, but he felt that there was something wrong with my mom, as in mentally wrong. She seems to be almost bi-polar, yet when a psychiatrist mentioned it to her she freaked out and stormed out of his office, to me that says that she does have an issue that needs treatment.

I'm at a complete loss about what to do about her. I want Bug to spend time with her, yet with the way she acts I'm afraid to leave Bug there with her without either Strider or I there. She's my mom, and I do love her, yet the way she is makes me not want to be around her.  She's so lonely, and it's very obvious, if only she treated people better, maybe, just maybe, she'd have friends or maybe even a boyfriend. I feel sad for her, I really do.

No matter what she's talking about you can't tell if she's angry or not, she always sounds angry. Even when she's being nice she sounds so damned angry.  But gods forbid I mention it to her, she snaps and starts yelling at me. No matter what she's talking about she seems to change her story at least twice in the span of a few sentences, why can't she just be honest? Why can't she just be calm? Why can't she just be happy? The way she is has been teaching Bug how to fight with me, which I really dislike. Thanks to my mom Bug fights with me about almost everything, it needs to stop.

Time for a subject change before I get even more upset about this whole thing...



I went through a whole bunch of blood tests over the past few months, they tested me for everything they could think of that. They found that everything looks rather normal, and that I'm most certainly in menopause.  After all the tests the rheumatologist came to the determination that I have fibromyalgia, lovely, no? At least now I know why when I get stressed out or upset that I hurt a lot and my bowels are all irritated too. After some x-rays I was told that I have degenerative disc disease in my lower back and bone spurs. I also have osteoarthritis as well as osteoporosis. Oh yay.

Even with the pain I still do everything I used to do, just push through the pain and keep on trudging along. What else am I supposed to do? Give in? Yeah, that's not going to happen.

I'm one of the assistant leaders for Bug's girl-scout troop, she loves it so much.  It's amazing how much she's blossomed over the past few months since she started going to the meetings. She's also enjoying school, even though the curriculum is below what she knows. I've been contemplating pulling her out of the school come next year and home school her.  If I did that she'd get a better education, but at the same time she'd miss her friends, so I can't pull her out without upsetting her. Gah! Some-days it's so hard to keep a balance.

Strider's deploying either next month or in June, I need to figure out what Bug and I can do to keep her busy and happy all summer long while he's gone. Time to gather up some crafts supplies, make some plans to go places, see things, experience new adventures. Maybe a day trip up to the Living Museum, she'd love it. A trip to the Botanical Gardens would be great too, get her a better camera and let her take as many pictures as she wants. While Strider's gone I'll be paying my mom off and trying to save up to get Bug that new play-set she wanted. If everything goes right we should have most of the bills paid off, some of our debt to my mom paid off and the money saved up for Bug's play-set...or so I hope.

Strider's gone for a few days, so it's just Bug and I until Wednesday evening when he gets home. I'm not looking forward to him deploying in a few weeks or month, but I know that Bug and I will be just fine, we'll find things to do.


That's it for now...

< /RANT >