Why did I even bother to call?

I can only offer friendship so many times, you slapped my hand away and for what? Just remember, the next time you'll get a call or text from me it'll be because I saw your house burning down or read about your tragedy in the news.  Just because your family isn't separated by thousands of miles and you have more kids then I do doesn't make you a better parent then me. At least I do things with my kid instead of sit around the house or have someone else watches them.  I'm so sick of people like you in my life. Kindly remove yourself from my life so I can heal and move on.

Three months in...

Ever notice how everything seems to happen when you're the only one around to do anything about it?  That's been the was my life has been since Strider left a little over 3 months ago.

So far since he's left my car needed repairs twice, his Jeep is dead again due to an unknown electrical issue, Bug had surgery, the toilets need to be repaired and a breaker needs to be replaced.

How exactly am I to do all of this on my own while feeling like complete and utter crap?  It's not an easy answer, but I know that my answer is that I have to keep going no matter what.

I found that I couldn't get the bolts out of the tank on the back of the toilet on my own, that still needs to be taken care of. I wish I could say that procrastination played in a part in the toilets not being fixed yet, but that isn't the issue, the main issue is that I can't do it on my own and I have no one here to help with things like this.

The other day I reset the breaker after it tripped, then I turned on the pool filter again only to have the breaker trip after five seconds.  Looks like I'll have to replace the breaker and possibly the external socket. Needless to say the pool was taken apart and put away.

The house is in serious need of a good cleaning, I know I've slacked off on it lately, with all that's happened lately...I need to get my ass in gear and get this house organized and cleaned again.  I really need to stay on top of this stuff and not let this damned depression get the better of me.

I think the main reason this depression has been hitting me so hard this year is because the people I leaned on last year aren't here this year.  Jay and Tracy both moved away, now the only people I have to lean on are my mother and B who's on oxygen and not doing so well herself.  Guess you can say that there's really no one here for me to lean on, or even a shoulder to cry on. This is why I need to keep my own head above water and keep myself from drowning. And I'll do it too, I have to, there's no other alternative.

It all feels so much harder with Strider not here.  Does that make me sound weak?  Sometimes I feel weak.

There are so many times that I've caught myself feeling jealous and bitter toward people who have their loved ones around them.  I feel so sad when I see them together, yet I'll still smile and keep on going.  I've admitted this sadness to a few people but all they seem to be able to say is that they're sorry. I'm tired of hearing the word sorry, they're not really not sorry for the situation, instead they feel sorry for me, which makes me feel even worse.

When I woke up today I felt so achy and just run down, maybe it's the stress of everything catching up with me, hopefully I'm not getting sick.  Seriously, even my scalp hurts, my skin hurts too. One second I'm freezing, the next I'm boiling...I better not be getting sick.


< /RANT >

My Bug's Eyes

This morning we got up early and went to the hospital to get checked in by 0845.  It didn't go according to plan...not even a little bit.

First the check engine light went on in the car, then we got to the hospital and found parking far too easily...and then it got crazy.

First we got off on the wrong elevator on the 3rd floor, ended up in Psych where they were trying to get a wheel chair for me but the QD wanted me to go down and check one out...seriously? I was carrying two bags, Bug and her crutches...oh, wait...what?  You asked about the crutches? Well, funny story that...but I'll get to that later.

Anyway, I started to leave the clinic when one of the girls behind the desk followed me and picked up Bug, she carried her all the way to the place we needed to be for pre-op check in. Talk about an awesome gal.

After we got checked in, we got her changed and waited in the pre-op waiting room, which only took a few minutes.  After that we went to the room to get her ready, talked to the anesthesiologist and got her the red stuff she wanted to help her handle everything.  After she went in I was escorted to the ICU waiting room.

It was maybe an hour in total that I waited before Klink came in to get me, Bug had done great and was in recovery.

She woke up nice and slow this time, which was great compared to last time.  After she woke up she was so upset and hurting so badly, yet she refused the heavy medication they wanted to put into her IV, so much like me in that respect.

After a little bit they took us to the recovery room where she got some Tylenol which was a battle to get her to take. After that she curled up on the seat of the wheel chair and refused to sit up after I got her changed.  She was so damned adorable, and the nurse was obviously getting tired of Bug's whininess and uncooperative actions.   What did she expect?  Bug just had surgery on both eyes, of course she'd be whining and a touch uncooperative.

Then we drove home, that was all fine, then my mom stopped by.  Oh, did I mention that my mom bailed on going with me at the last second this morning? Yup, handled it all alone.  Anyway, she brought Bug some orange jello then left after like three minutes.

The night went on rather well, Bug got to talk to her bestie over Skype, and talk to Strider, which was great.

 
And then we fine out that the pool filter's not running, so I check it out and find that the breaker had tripped, after fixing it I try again...trips again...so now the pool's draining so I can get it taken apart and put away tomorrow.

It was an eventful day...

Only nine more months before Strider comes home...

Yes, now I'll tell you about the crutches...two days ago I had asked Bug not to mess with the pool cover, well, she didn't listen.  She tried to fold the pool cover, stepped back and tripped over the dog and twisted her ankle.  Needless to say we spent 2 hours in the ER, she was put in a half cast and on crutches.  The half cast is off now and she's in a brace instead to make it easier for her to get around and give her more stability.

That was my day...how was yours?


< /RANT >

Making pancakes....or not...

Best way to spend your morning with step by step instructions.

Step 1- Put 1 cup cold water into the jug of instant GF pancake mix.
Step 2- Put lid on tightly and shake for 30 seconds vigorously.
Step 3- Get pancake mix ALL OVER the room because the lid pops off.
Step 4- Stare at the mess with utter disbelief that it just happened.
Step 5- Spend the time cleaning instead of eating, cursing at yourself under your breath.
Step 6- End up throwing up because of hunger.
Step 6- Let's not do that again...EVER!


Lesson learned, even if the lid is secure....hold it down just to be certain!


< /RANT >

My brother the asshat

Bug and I went up to Colonial Williamsburg today because my mom wanted us to go and see my brother...yeah, that wasn't all that great of an idea.

His daughters were nice, as was his wife, but my brother himself needs a serious attitude adjustment. He thinks he's better then anyone else.

He did nothing but brag about running, biking, and he texted the entire time during lunch.  He even had the gall to talk down to Bug, then he made fun of our allergy to gluten after we had left.

While we were there Bug wanted to see the museum since we didn't get to see it last time we went. My mom stayed with my brother and his family, then we ran into them all again at the Reviewing of the Soldiers which is an end of day event they do.

He flaunted the fact that he was with his family and Strider was gone, he practically rubbed it in my face that I was alone in everything I had to do right now. That his girls had their dad and Bug didn't.  That's a seriously shitty thing to do, especially to a kid!

Then he went on to pick on Bug for the pets we had as well as the rescues we were taking care of long term. He hasn't changed much except that now he's an adult and treats everyone as inferior to him more-so then he did when he was younger.

His hands shake all the time, I swear he starves himself, even his kids are far too skinny.

According to my brother his photography is better then anyone else's, that my photography is crap...he degrades everyone to make himself feel better about himself.


< /RANT >

Can't take it much longer...

I'm not sure what to think at this point.

We went to BJ's with my mom earlier tonight, while I grabbed what we needed my mom went to the restroom, so to be nice I asked Bug to please go check on her since she had to go potty anyway.

Bug came out of the bathroom really upset, a woman walked by and stared at my mom with absolute shock and my mom was pissed off as hell.  I asked Bug what happened and she said "Mommy, nana called me the B word."  So I asked my mom about it and sure enough she got defensive and called Bug a liar.

I'm sorry, but I'd sooner believe my child then my mother at this point. My mom has a history of lying, as well as being abusive mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I told Strider about it when he called me a bit ago, let me tell you, his jaw was set and he was so damned pissed.  I seriously don't know what to do about my mom anymore.  She's getting worse by the day.

No one has the right to call a 7 year old child a bitch!  No one!  Especially not my 7 year old child!


< /RANT >

Sunset and a broken rule

Today was an okay day, despite my mom being a total bitch Bug and I had fun.

Bug spotted a "rocket" over the trees, once I drove a bit further I could see that it was in-fact a dirigible, and since Bug never saw one before, I drove even more and followed it just to get a photo of it for her!  It made me think that we should go on a hot air balloon ride when Strider gets home. The dirigible was for Budwiser, but still, she got to see one!

Before dinner I decided to try mowing the lawn, yes in this heat, no I'm not crazy, just a little bent in the head.  lol  Anyway, while I was mowing the lawn I saw 2 praying mantis jump onto the side of the shed, stopping the lawn mower I did the best thing I could think of...I moved them out of harms way, finished that part of the lawn then put them back where I found them.  I think the little guys might be the offspring of the one that was in our yard last summer.  The one from last year flew into my car when it was so tiny, when I got home I put her in the yard and I guess she never left, so now her young are in my yard too!  I just love how nature is!

Bug and I raced to see the sunset this evening, we drove all the way to the top of the parking deck at NMCP just to see it and take some photos.  Here's the beautiful sunset we saw!

After we got a few great photos of the sunset we went over to the water front to get a panoramic of the Norfolk skyline...that's where the broken rule comes into play. lol  You see, I had no idea that you weren't allowed to take photos from the base even if it's of the Norfolk skyline.  The officer was really cool about it when he told me, so we got back into the car and left.   Here's the panoramic I got.

Overall Bug and I had a good day, can't wait to see what tomorrow holds for us!

< /RANT >