Is it the moon or the stars?

House clean....laundry done...lawn done....still have to pressure wash the house, driveway, and walkways...I'm so damned exhausted I can barely feel my hands and feet and my eyes keep threatening to close...what the hell is wrong with me?

I can't seem to stop pushing myself like this.  The pain has been so bad lately, nothin seems to help make it better, not even sleep or the massage chair..my spine, hands, and shoulder hurt so much I want to cry.  Why is there no cure for fibromyalgia? Doctors say that staying active helps relieve the pain...I can say that's not working for me.

The other day a thought crossed my mind that has never crossed it before....I need to get my affairs in order and quickly...plan my funeral.  What the hell? Is my subconscious trying to tell me something?  Is this where I'm headed?  Have I really pushed myself to that point?

Then there's the feeling that a lie has been spoken and that everything that was built up is about to come crashing down. When I touch Strider I get a sinking feeling in my heart, I don't like that feeling at all! It's the feeling I get when I lose something precious in my life.

< /RANT >

Year from hell!

This past year has been rough to say the least!

It all started when my mom ended up in the hospital May 2015.  She had a headache, she never gets headaches...then she felt dizzy and disoriented, she forgot what the date was.  So I called 911 and made she was treated for it, they ended up putting her in the hospital for a week.  They ran so many tests but couldn't find the cause.

While she was in the hospital I found a hole in my roof the size of a softball..okay, bigger than a softball.  A squirrel had eat it's way into my attic from the outside and had babies in my attic! The noise was insane! I thought we had rats so I put a trap up there.  The day my mom was due to come home from the hospital the trap caught something...a baby squirrel...damn it.  A baby squirrel had been caught in the trap, it's leg was broken.  Gods I felt horrible! 

Thankfully I knew what to do, I caught the baby, freed it's hind leg from the trap and took it in.  It needed serious care for the broken leg that was through the skin.  I took care of it, for a long time, over a year now actually.  Her leg ended up falling off, but she's doing good and is about to be released.

You see, I take care of and rehabilitate wildlife that's been abandoned or injured, and I get no money for it, no help either. I do it because of the animals, because I love them. I've taught Bug so much about how to take care of wildlife.  Between her and I we've successfully rehabilitated and released several birds, and now we're going to be releasing the squirrel.

Things went to hell faster than I had ever thought they could.

We took in a foster dog that someone on the police force said needed to be taken care of, so I did, I took it in.  Not even three days later it killed my Tempest! ( I gave the dog to animal control to be euthanized) She was laying there in the kitchen in a pool of her own blood, her skull was crushed, right eye was hanging out of her skull.  It killed me to see her like that.  My baby girl, my Tempest, the cat that I've had since she was a 3 week old kitten...dead. Her cremation was about $150....gods I miss her so much.

Not long after that I took Logan into the vet because I found a lump that was odd feeling, and even odder smelling.  It wasn't like the other lumps I'd found on him, this one was different, it felt like a large tapioca pearl in jello under the skin. Not a solid lump, but it was there. I had it tested and it came back positive for mast cell cancer., in his tail at the base of the spine. How the hell can this be happening?  The ultra sound of his internal organs is expensive, the treatment is tail amputation.  TAIL AMPUTATION!  My poor Logan!  I don't know how I'm going to afford this!  We're looking at at least $5,000 for everything. We don't have this kind of money! 

It's been so rough lately, trying to afford all that's happened.  I found a kitten that healed my heart, he's not a replacement for Tempest, rather he's a new part of my heart.  The poor kitten jumped off the kitty condo and broke his leg! He broke it in 2 places!  Now he needs surgery to put pins into the bones to try to fix it.  I could have gone with amputating his leg, but he's just a baby, how could I do that!   We're looking at another $5,000 if not more to cover all of this! 

I've sold some of my things, but it's not enough to cover all of these vet bills.  I've tried going to charities but they couldn't help.  I can't do this anymore.  I can't let cancer take Bug's dog! If she loses Logan it will devastate her!

I've been shuffling the bills around to try to pay for everything, I'm not sure how much tighter I can make things.  I wish there was a way for someone to help us get through this.  Strider has been trying so hard to keep me together emotionally, he know that all of this has put a serious damper on our lives.  The military keeps him away a lot of the time, which means my daughter and I go through this alone.  No one to hold us when we cry, save for me holding her.  I hold her just about every night as she cries, Logan is our ESA (Emotional Support Animal), he also helps my daughter with her Aspergers, he makes it not so hard for her.

Rue is my ESA, he's healed my heart after I lost Tempest. Seeing him in so much pain kills me.

What am I going to do?

< /RANT >

Ever feel like everyone around you, friends, family, strangers, are all taking advantage of you?  I've been feeling that way for a while now. No matter who it is, when they ask for my help for some reason I'm determined go help them, even if it means I get hurt in the end.  No matter what I do to help people I always end up with the short end of the stick.

Fucking idiots!

Back in October I had posted about the hell my house was in. Well, everything was finally fixed, there were a few bumps along the way, like the contractors not finishing what they started, the owner of the contracting company getting his panties in a bunch and getting bitchy with me. I'm sorry, but I hired him to do a job, I expected it to be done to my satisfaction, not his. Even now there are some of the floor boards that aren't seated correctly, but will he come out here to see them so he can fix them? Nope, he didn't even bother doing a final walk through to make sure the walk had been done correctly the first time.

One of his guys even went so far as to throw lit cigarettes into Bug's Fairy Garden...umm...that's a big no no! He got what he deserved though.  He was rushing to get the word done, not even caring about the quality of the work, and he ended up splaying his hand open on the table saw. Talk about just deserts. But did his boss even care about that? Nope.  When he finally did respond to my email he got snarky as hell with me! Excuse me?!? I'll never hire that company EVER again!

He had promised the house would be finished by Thanksgiving...it wasn't done.  It was finally finished the week AFTER Thanksgiving.

I mean, shit, if someone hires you to do a job, do the fucking job, seriously, it saves everyone the anxiety and saves you from getting my foot up your ass...or worse...my lawyer on your ass.

Speaking of lawyers, my insurance company hired a lawyer to go after the guy that caused all this mess, I'm not even sure they'll get their money back from him.  I'm not even sure if they'll get my deductible back from him.

This whole thing has been rough and really put a strain on our lives in this house. But, now that it's all fixed, we can cook at home again, no need to go out for every damned meal. That was crazy expensive!

Now all I need to do is motivate Strider to help me do the rest of the work in the house. We have the two bathrooms to refinish as well as three bedrooms. I want to have them done within this calendar year if possible...without hiring someone to do it.

During the time that we had no living room or kitchen we ended up doing Bug's classes as best as possible. Sadly during that time Aim's boys didn't even do any of their work and fell seriously behind...and they kept falling behind, they're STILL behind. Seriously?!? I just don't get it...but that's a rant for another day...

< /RANT >