Personal Boundaries and Why We Need Them

Why you should never force your children to hug people. 

This is very important.  The article above touches a sensitive subject. Boundaries are very important in our lives.

 I've seen parents force their children to give people hugs, and it's not right, it teaches the children that they have no say over what happens to them.  This is why I DON'T force Bug to hug anyone, it's her choice, and if she says no then it's no.

This also goes for when people touch or try to poke kids when kids doesn't want to be touched, when the kid says stop they have to. Bug has told people to stop many times when they try to touch or poke her playfully and she's not in the mood to play.  She's developing healthy boundaries, which is very good. There are some people that don't recognize or even accept those boundaries, and that's bad.  We need to teach our kids when touching, hugging, poking, or even holding hands is acceptable, we have to teach them that their boundaries are okay and that THEY have the right to say NO to someone. We as parents then have to reinforce the no if the person doesn't stop what ever action our kids don't like.  We as parents need to let the other people, including family, know that we want our kids to have those boundaries, that we want them to be able to tell someone no when they're feeling uncomfortable.

When we're out somewhere and we meet up with a friend I make sure that I tell Bug that it's okay for her to hug the person if she wants to.  If she doesn't want to hug them then she doesn't have to.
There are so many people in this world that will violate the boundaries of children as well as adults, and we need to make sure that our children can protect themselves. Not everyone will listen to the word no, and that's when things get bad.

Fran Walfish, PhD, said in an article that teaching our children boundaries is healthy and good to do.  Here's her advice on how to help our children to build those boundaries.

Get clear on your own boundaries.

Work on setting effective boundaries with your kids. This affects their behavior and conveys the right way to create their own boundaries.

For instance, if a father sets boundaries harshly — he screams and even slaps his kids — then that child is likely to behave harshly or aggressively with other kids, Walfish said. “And [they] might even become the bully.”

(Here’s more on setting boundaries with your kids.)

Help them honor themselves.

Walfish also suggests parents reflect out loud to their kids about what feels and doesn’t feel comfortable.

For instance, if you have a shy child, avoid “rubbing it in” — or pressuring them to talk to others — “which will make them embarrassed and self-conscious and maybe shame the child.”

Instead, in an empathic tone of voice say, “You know, I think you’re the kind of person who likes to take time and warm up to someone before you feel comfortable talking, and that’s fine,” she said.

This way, you’re helping your child define a boundary. You’re helping them figure out what works for them and what doesn’t — and to honor that.

Talk about it.

Teach your kids about what it means to be a good friend, and how to deal with bullying or exclusion from the schoolyard. “If kids say, ‘you can’t play with us,’ teach your kids to say ‘you’re not being a good friend,'” Walfish said.

Help them understand that kids who reject them aren’t nice kids — “and who wants to hang out with mean kids anyway? Most of us pursue those who reject us, and that’s the wrong pursuit.” Be sure to talk to your child on their level, depending on age, she added.

Role-play.

“Ask your kids to play what-if scenarios,” Walfish said. Ask them what they might say in certain situations. Avoid feeding them the answers, because this “facilitates dependency.” And it’s key to “praise every increment toward your child’s autonomy.”

It is helpful to give your kids several key phrases they can use to self-advocate, and to teach them to use their words, not their hands, she said.

Walfish also stressed the importance of helping your kids develop a good value system and build their character — and to choose friends who, too, have good ethics.

She also noted that parents shouldn’t take sides in sibling fights or rivalry.

“Don’t position yourself to blame, judge or criticize, but rather position yourself as a mediator.” You’re simply there to let the kids take turns == “each one having a chance to talk and listen without interrupting.”

Being able to set your personal boundaries is a skill that, unfortunately, not all of us get the chance to learn.  Experiences that we have can help us to pick up tid bits here and there on how to set our boundaries, but not always enough to help us to keep those boundaries. 
Below are some tips from Dr Dana Gionta from an article I had read from Psych Central.

1. Name your limits.

You can’t set good boundaries if you’re unsure of where you stand. So identify your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual limits, Gionta said. Consider what you can tolerate and accept and what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed. “Those feelings help us identify what our limits are.”

2. Tune into your feelings.

Gionta has observed two key feelings in others that are red flags or cues that we’re letting go of our boundaries: discomfort and resentment. She suggested thinking of these feelings on a continuum from one to 10. Six to 10 is in the higher zone, she said.

If you’re at the higher end of this continuum, during an interaction or in a situation, Gionta suggested asking yourself, what is causing that? What is it about this interaction, or the person’s expectation that is bothering me?

Resentment usually “comes from being taken advantage of or not appreciated.” It’s often a sign that we’re pushing ourselves either beyond our own limits because we feel guilty (and want to be a good daughter or wife, for instance), or someone else is imposing their expectations, views or values on us, she said.

“When someone acts in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s a cue to us they may be violating or crossing a boundary,” Gionta said.

3. Be direct.

With some people, maintaining healthy boundaries doesn’t require a direct and clear-cut dialogue. Usually, this is the case if people are similar in their communication styles, views, personalities and general approach to life, Gionta said. They’ll “approach each other similarly.”

With others, such as those who have a different personality or cultural background, you’ll need to be more direct about your boundaries. Consider the following example: “one person feels [that] challenging someone’s opinions is a healthy way of communicating,” but to another person this feels disrespectful and tense.

There are other times you might need to be direct. For instance, in a romantic relationship, time can become a boundary issue, Gionta said. Partners might need to talk about how much time they need to maintain their sense of self and how much time to spend together.

4. Give yourself permission.

Fear, guilt and self-doubt are big potential pitfalls, Gionta said. We might fear the other person’s response if we set and enforce our boundaries. We might feel guilty by speaking up or saying no to a family member. Many believe that they should be able to cope with a situation or say yes because they’re a good daughter or son, even though they “feel drained or taken advantage of.” We might wonder if we even deserve to have boundaries in the first place.

Boundaries aren’t just a sign of a healthy relationship; they’re a sign of self-respect. So give yourself the permission to set boundaries and work to preserve them.

5. Practice self-awareness.

Again, boundaries are all about honing in on your feelings and honoring them. If you notice yourself slipping and not sustaining your boundaries, Gionta suggested asking yourself: What’s changed? Consider “What I am doing or [what is] the other person doing?” or “What is the situation eliciting that’s making me resentful or stressed?” Then, mull over your options: “What am I going to do about the situation? What do I have control over?”

6. Consider your past and present.

How you were raised along with your role in your family can become additional obstacles in setting and preserving boundaries. If you held the role of caretaker, you learned to focus on others, letting yourself be drained emotionally or physically, Gionta said. Ignoring your own needs might have become the norm for you.

Also, think about the people you surround yourself with, she said. “Are the relationships reciprocal?” Is there a healthy give and take?

Beyond relationships, your environment might be unhealthy, too. For instance, if your workday is eight hours a day, but your co-workers stay at least 10 to 11, “there’s an implicit expectation to go above and beyond” at work, Gionta said. It can be challenging being the only one or one of a few trying to maintain healthy boundaries, she said. Again, this is where tuning into your feelings and needs and honoring them becomes critical.

7. Make self-care a priority.

Gionta helps her clients make self-care a priority, which also involves giving yourself permission to put yourself first. When we do this, “our need and motivation to set boundaries become stronger,” she said. Self-care also means recognizing the importance of your feelings and honoring them. These feelings serve as “important cues about our wellbeing and about what makes us happy and unhappy.”

Putting yourself first also gives you the “energy, peace of mind and positive outlook to be more present with others and be there” for them.” And “When we’re in a better place, we can be a better wife, mother, husband, co-worker or friend.”

8. Seek support.

If you’re having a hard time with boundaries, “seek some support, whether [that’s a] support group, church, counseling, coaching or good friends.” With friends or family, you can even make “it a priority with each other to practice setting boundaries together [and] hold each other accountable.”

Consider seeking support through resources, too. Gionta likes the following books: The Art of Extreme Self-Care: Transform Your Life One Month at a Time and Boundaries in Marriage (along with several books on boundaries by the same authors).

9. Be assertive.

Of course, we know that it’s not enough to create boundaries; we actually have to follow through. Even though we know intellectually that people aren’t mind readers, we still expect others to know what hurts us, Gionta said. Since they don’t, it’s important to assertively communicate with the other person when they’ve crossed a boundary.

In a respectful way, let the other person know what in particular is bothersome to you and that you can work together to address it, Gionta said.

10. Start small.

Like any new skill, assertively communicating your boundaries takes practice. Gionta suggested starting with a small boundary that isn’t threatening to you, and then incrementally increasing to more challenging boundaries. “Build upon your success, and [at first] try not to take on something that feels overwhelming.”