The Instability Of Me...

I think it's time to start removing people from my friends list on Trillian. There's only maybe 3 people out of the 85 that even talk to me anymore. I guess that says something, huh? While I'm at it I might as well clear out my contacts list on my cell, clear out all the names of those that have become distant for one reason or another, the main reason...they have better friends and no need to associate with me. lol Funny, no? There was a time when I went out, when I had good friends that I could go to lunch with, now it would seem that, according to my mom, I've become an asshole.

The other day I was in the car with my mom and Bug, we were headed to BJ's to do some grocery shopping. She started in on me yet again, but this time she started to call me names, she called me an asshole, an idiot, she called me stupid and everything. Right there in front of Bug. Bug started to cry as she was yelling at me then threatening to take a cab home. This isn't the first time she pulled this cap, she did it one night when we were going out for dinner. Poor Bug was crying when we went into the restaurant. My mom was even yelling at me in the restaurant and outside. Why? Am I really this bad of a person that she has to do this to me, to Bug?

Last month I had my car in the shop, I tried to charge the cost but found out that Strider's repairs had maxed out the car, so I called my mom. She railed into me and said no, so I told her fine, then she started to yel at me. Even Q, the mechanic, knew that it was my mom I was talking to, he was upset that she upset me. She's very critical of people, she talks about people behind their backs, and she talks down about everyone, which isn't right. She's been like this for most of my life, is this why I am the way I am?

A year or so ago I had people I could hang out with around here, there was Kim and Sako..now even they seem to have better things to do then to even talk to me. Have I really become that bad of a person that no one even wants to talk to me? Even the friends I had back in high school don't even seem to want to associate with me much, unless it's on faceook.

Lately it feels like no matter what I do or say it's not good enough for anyone. I seem to upset people with everything I say or do. Maybe I have become a complete uncaring, cold, heartless asshole. Maybe that's why no one wants to even be around me. It even feels like Strider's distancing himself from me.

All I do is stay around the house with Bug, I don't go anywhere unless it's to go do the grocery shopping or pick up stuff we need. Am I really that horrible of a person that no one wants to be bothered with me? I guess I am. So, maybe it's time to cut everyone out. I can't even smile a real smile lately, things have been tougher then I can ever remember them being.

Back on September 27th by cousin Mark died in a car crash, then Strider's Jeep was totaled in an accident. DC was driving the Jeep when he was rear ended. To top it all off Strider nearly lost his fingers in an accident at work, thanks to the titamiun wedding band he didn't lose his fingers.

I've tried to be happy, but no matter what I do I can't seem to feel happy. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, I love Bug and Strider more then anything. I see how happy she is and wish that I could be that happy again. Even Strider doesn't seem to see that I'm spiraling, I need this to stop, I need to be appy again. I need to be me again...who ever I am, I don't even think I remember who I am, I think I lost her a long time ago with all the sadness and the betrayal of so many people.

Maybe I've just become the person that no one wants to even be around. I get glared at by people who don't even know me, I get talked about and treated like crap by most people I know.

Maybe it's time I talk to my doctor...but I hate medication, and I really dislike shrinks who think they know what's going on in your head. Am I unstable right now? Yes, I am. Do I have an idea of why? I most certainly do...menopause. I think that with everything else I have to handle, the house, the bills, family, the few friends I have...maybe, just maybe, menopause is the last straw for my mental stability. It could very well be the one thing that has set me off and has pushed me over the edge.

I dunno, I'll have to talk to my doctor...I just don't want another therapist that didn't understand, or tries to stem it all back to my childhood. Yes, my childhood was fucked up, who's wasn't? My mom was less then stable when I was growing up. She was an alchoholic, abusive mentally, emotionally and physically. My great aunts and grand parents were my one saving grace. But after they passed things got worse. But I survived, I made it through, it made me stronger, right?

Somedays I find myself yelling at Bug, making her cry. I hate myself for doing that to her, I really do. Granted, when she doesn't listen when I ask her to clean up her toys or something she does deserve some kind of punishment. But I'm so afraid of crossing the line, so I rarely spank her, even if she deserves it. So I resort to taking away privaleges and stuff. Am I a bad mom? Have I in some way failed my Bug? I dunno, sometimes I feel like I have. Just like there are times, a lot lately, that I feel like I've failed as a wife, that Strider might be better off with someone else, someone that makes him happier then I can.

I try to do all I can to make people happy, I really do. I try to be agreeable, but I'm sorry, I'm not going to roll over and belly up just because people think they're in deservence of my submission. Sorry, but I speak my mind, if I think you're being an asshole, I'll flat out tell you.

I try to give my family good food to eat, so I make everything home made. I make sure that we have fresh bread, cookies and a cake or pie to enjoy. The meals I make are fresh, healthy and very tastey. Yet somehow I feel like I'm letting them down.

Oh well, enough for now...

< /rant >