I'm done

Strider knows how tight we are financially, yet he still went out a bought a fucking motorcycle. We had agreed to enroll Bug in either dance or martial arts classes this month or January...that's not happening now. WTF was he thinking?!

Then he has the gall to yell at me when I bring up the fact that we are going to sink financially.

Why are men such idiots? He needs to ask his family for a bail out, I refuse to ask my mom again, she's helped out too much already. She buys us groceries if we're short on money, but I refuse to ask her to help us out again.

Because of all this stress I haven't slept since I woke up Friday morning.

I can't even type anymore...bye for now..

Unsaid things - a rant at people

I have had it with your fucking bullshit , I'm tired of you being part of my life! You dare to call MY cell and give ME a fucking attitude when you want to talk to your grandson! You make the flight arrangements BEFORE he finds out if he has the leave or not! You said YOU would pay for the fucking car rental then I find out that Strider had to when my card was fucking DECLINED!!!

And you, you fucking bitch of a MIL, you don't want to leave on an earlier flight because you don't want to get the up before 9am! Well you! Grow the up and put your big girl panties on and suck it the fuck up! I want Strider home BEFORE the storms hit!

So what, his grandfather died, like I give a flying rats ass! The two of you wished me dead and wished Bug had never been born! He got what he deserved! You'll get yours in the end too! I WANT YOU THE FUCK OUT OF OUR LIVES!!! If you EVER call here again I WILL HANG UP ON YOU!! I gave you both a second and third chance for Strider's sake! And you both screwed it up by ignoring me in MY OWN HOUSE AND MY MOMS HOUSE!!! THAT ENDS AS OF THIS MOMENT!! Highly aggressive? Oh, this is nothing, trust me, this is just me fuming! If you want to see me highly aggressive, I dare you to push my buttons one more time!! I've kept my mouth shut about you for long enough! I'm done holding my tongue when it comes to talking to you, which will NEVER happen again! Fuck you!

Back door frame - Why the did you have to break?! Don't we have enough shit to deal with without having to replace a door and frame??

Neighbors with dogs - CURB YOUR FUCKING DOGS!! I'm tired of picking up your dogs crap in my front yard!!

And Bug - I love you dearly, but I swear, if you don't start picking up your toys and behaving I'm going to pop you on the bare butt and send you to your room no matter how much or how loudly you scream about it.

Why?

It's been a tough month. Two weeks ago we had 6 tornadoes touch down, then we had some great weather for a few days. Then it got all cold again, last night we had another tornado warning in effect. Grr, I just want this weather to stabilize!

I heard from Strider today, for about 20 minutes of the phone before the call got cut. At least I got to hear his voice, and got to play email tag with him for about an hour or so. Bad thing is where he is now. I hate this war crap, I wish it would just be over and there wouldn't be anymore troubles. but, of course that's not about to happen anytime soon. I miss him so damned much. I can't wait until he's home again.

*sighs* Well, that's it, I'm too down to write any more...

Gettin rough...

Two months are done, six remaining...it's so hard right now, maybe it's because this is our first Iraq tour, I dunno. I'm just so down right now, yet when I talk to someone on the phone or face to face I paint on a smile and act as though every thing's alright. Some days I find it so hard to get out of bed, but I have to, I have to take care of Bug. There's really no one around lately either. My friends who said they'd be coming out to visit have more excuses then carter has pills and no one seems to be home when I try to call anyone. I just feel so....alone.

Okay, so maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself, or maybe it's starting to get to me. I look forward the times when Angie takes a nap, a little quiet in the middle of the day. But, then when she goes to bed at night it's too quiet. Every time Strider and I talk on the phone it gets harder and harder to say goodbye, and I catch myself whimpering as I hang up the phone.

I don't have the energy to clean, which I really need to do, my living room looks like an atom bomb went off in the toy box and sent everything everywhere. I also need to get back to painting, that at least made me happy and not think on the situation.

Plus, my mom's planning on moving to CA, she's putting her house on the market in June. She said when it sells she's out of here, so much for her sticking around until Strider got home. *sighs*

Oh well, another day marked off on the calendar is one day less, right?

Amazon's at it again...

Is it really right for a company to try to bully a publisher to get them to raise their prices? I thing it's rediculous how Amazon tries to do that with my publisher. Here's the email I got from my publisher.

Dear author:
 
PublishAmerica is drastically reducing sales prices of all titles on its own website!
 
A little background: A few weeks ago we shared with you news about the pressure that many publishers were receiving from online vendor Amazon.com. As you know, PublishAmerica refused to budge. Today we can also report that this was not the first time that Amazon attempted to strong-arm PublishAmerica.
 
Roughly a year ago Amazon forced PublishAmerica to raise the pricing of our own books on our own website. They would not allow us to sell our almost 30,000 titles at sales prices lower than what Amazon chose to charge, and they threatened us with the very same retaliation that followed a year later after all. We complied at the time, and have been charging full list price in our own online store, because Amazon also charged full list price.
 
Staring down the bully: Now that Amazon has decided to punish PublishAmerica anyway for resisting further bullying, the time has come to reduce prices in our own online bookstore. And as an introductory step we will now slash our prices in half.
 
That's right: all book sales on PublishAmerica's website are at a 50 pct discount. Royalties are paid on all online sales. Go see for yourself at www.publishamerica.com.
 
The introductory offer will expire April 28, when discounts will go back to approximately where they were before Amazon first attempted to dictate the nation's vending terms.
 
Thank you!

PublishAmerica Author Support team

Naps?

It seems that Bug is not going to be taking Naps anymore. Talk about tiring.

She's also been acting out alot since Strider left. Maybe this is all just normal, I have no idea.

He called!

Bug and I were in the shower, I had brought the phone in and turned the volume all the way up just in case. He called me from BAB! It was so damned good to hear his voice!! I miss him so much. I've been dreaming about him too, and no I won't share those dreams here.

Missing him

Strider got to Germany safely, but he couldn't get an operator on the line to call me, so he emailed me. I miss him so much, it's so hard not to loose it right now, and we have so much more time to go until he's home.

Breaking my heart...

Strider called me tonight, collect. Not like I care, I mean, so long as I get to hear his voice I'm all good with it. I asked him what was wrong and he didn;t answer, it sounded like he was crying. When I asked him if he was crying he said he was...he doesn't cry...ever. He loves me so much, he loves Bug so much that this is killing him as much as it's killing me. He said he'll call me when he gets to Germany...I can't wait to hear his voice again. I miss him so damned much.

Please let the next 5 months go by quickly....please....

Yesterday (A new poem...finally)

It feels like just yesterday
That you told me you loved me
That you held me in your arms for the first time
That we kissed with so much passion
It was the beginning of our life together

Do you remember how it all started?
I do, like it was yesterday
I stood at the booth in jeans and a chainmaille bikini top
You were arrogant and stubborn
You stalked me, hunted me, pursued me

There was nowhere for me to hide
In the end I gave into your desires
I took you home with me, you met my mom
You took me to see my brother in the hospital
You took me out for dinner...you got a ticket for no headlights

We made love with passion unbridled
We said words so sweet and full of hope
When the leaves began to fall from the trees
You asked me to marry you, but not in the traditional way
More like a common place discussion is what it was

I dropped my wine glass and stared at you
I said yes with a smile and a glad heart
But I had my doubts about your sincerity
Until the day you put that ring on my finger
And we said I do

We have been through so much together
We've grown so strong together
We've created a child together
And now you're going away
So far away from me, it hurts my heart




I pray that you'll return to me
That you'll be safe
That you'll be secure and in good health
You are my world, my life, my love
You bring me passion and thoughts that I cannot speak

Do you remember how it felt?
When we kissed that last time?
It was like the flame was burning so deep within us
That nothing could quell it
And now I wait for you to return to me, my love

We are one in so many ways
But do you remember when it first became obvious?
I do, like it was yesterday
We were swimming in the lake at the mountain
I looked into your eyes and asked you if you loved me

You said you did as you stared deep into my eyes
I knew at that very moment that it would be forever
I write in my journal for you, so you can read my thoughts
I help our daughter to paint, to sculpt to draw things for you
I have your picture all over the house

I miss you more with every passing day
My heart cries out for you
My body screams for your touch
My lips beg to taste your kiss
I remember how it felt to touch you, to kiss you

When you return to me we will kindle that flame once more
We will be as one again
We will be stronger then ever before
We will endure the distance and grow from it
Yesterday is our tomorrow

It feels like yesterday that I held you in my arms
That I kissed your lips
Touched your face
Held your hand
I miss you, my love

Man I get a break now???

Well, today we said our goodbyes over the phone, Strider has to be up and on the transport at the butt crack of dawn in the morning. He said he'll call when he gets to Germany, it'll be so good to hear his voice.

Today was an absolutely terrible day. I woke up to the sound of our dog Remy puking, not just once, but so many times that I took him to the vet. Turns out that his pention for eating everything in sight, including my clothing, has caused him alot of badness...and is costing me a lot of money that we don't have. He needed surgery to remove a bloackage in his stomach/intestines. So, yeah, it's been a bad day.

Bug's been saying "I want daddy home now" and "I miss my daddy" and "Mommy, call daddy now." I wish I could wave my hand or pray to the goddess and have him be home, but that's not about to happen. And so, we have 172 days until he's home again.

The house seems colder now that he's gone, and I find it hard to breathe, I miss him so much, even though he pisses me off to no end at times.

*sigh*

206 days...

Tomorrow Bug and I take Strider to the airport. It's really hard to try to see the months to come without him here, but we'll make it, one day at a time. After he leaves we won't see him for 206+/- days...my heart's breaking over this crap.

*sigh*

Life...

Well, I haven't had much to say, until over the past few months, life kinda exploded. My mom's having issues with her doctors, our dog started having severe seizures 8 hours apart...and Strider's deploying to Iraq.

I'm not really sure if I can handle this whole Iraq deployment thing, emotionally. I mean, sure, I've been through alot in my life, but nothing really prepares you for your husband going to war, you know? Bug and I will be taking Strider to the airport on Tuesday, he'll be down south for about 2 weeks, so at least we'll still be able to talk to him. After that...he's off to the sand box.

I need some serious strength here, not sure where I'm going to get it from, but I have got to find some.

Wish me luck!