Eesh

It's been a while since I've written anything here.  Guess life got the better of me yet again.  I've been so tired lately, and hurting.  This damned disease is kicking my ass. I'm seriously tired of hurting all the damned time.

I forgot to pick up the new medication yet again today, my dr wants me to try Zanaflex.  If it doesn't help then it's on to another drug called Skelaxin.

Between the pain and the usual hectic family life I've been doing some canning and baking. At least I'm trying to keep myself busy.

Today I have to do the grocery shopping and try to get some Yule shopping done.

KM has been pretty much talking to me. Seems that she wants to start hanging out again, so I'll be keeping her at arms length.  Best not to get hurt again. If you've read my previous posts then you know why I'm keeping her at arms length.  Even KA has been trying to get back with me, well, according to her FB post she wants to 'stay' friends. So we'll see.

Today I've done a lot of sleeping, which I know isn't good for me, I've gotten nothing done! Eesh!

The months are passing by and soon Strider will be gone for a year...maybe that's why I'm sleeping so much...depression.  I know we'll get through this, one way or another, we'll get through this. It'll be hardest on Bug I think, just have to keep her and I super busy during that year.

Well, it's about time to go pick Bug up from school then do the shopping.


< /RANT >

Second Guessing

Why can't I have a single day where my mom doesn't start a fight with me or make me feel like complete shit? She came over today unannounced and started right in with the mess that was my house. I know my house is a mess, thank you so very much for making me feel even worse about it all. The pain keeps me from doing a lot of things, and yes I do push past the pain sometimes, but if I put myself into such a bad state that I couldn't move for a week Strider would be pissed at me.
I told her "Fine, I'll just push past the pain and clean the house regardless of how I feel"
Then she came back with "That's not the point."  That was the fucking point, and she knows it.

I tried to talk to her about Christmas stuff for Bug and stuff like that she went off on me again about how she's too young for a tv or anything in her room.  I'm sorry, but, who''s kid is Bug? She sure as hell isn't my mom's kid, she's mine!  So I say what I can and cannot do with and for her.

I told Strider about is all and he plainly asked if he needed to talk to her....I know what kind of talk he'd have with her and it wouldn't be a good one, not even a little bit.  It'd end with her hating me for the rest of my life and even beyond that.

Today Bug helped me out so much, she really did.  She helped me get some cleaning done, we even did a little gardening. I even tried to help her ride her bike, she got scared even though she didn't need to be. Maybe tomorrow will be better and she'll be braver

. Yesterday she helped me to finish most of the products for the orders.  Sometimes I feel bad that she's growing up so fast, I just want her to be a kid.  A normal, happy, playful kid.

When I see how she acts some days I feel like I failed her, that I stopped her from being a kid by being in pain so much over the past few years. Maybe I'm just a bad mom or what ever.  Maybe I failed her somehow.

I guess for now I should just stop with the brooding and melancholic and crap and try to get the last few things done and relax.

< /RANT >

Scary words

One scary word equals three even scarier words. What are the words?  Well, here they are...hemangioma, what's it mean? Benign spinal tumor. Yes, benign is good, but a tumor is scary none the less, especially on your spine.

I guess it's a good thing no-one reads my blog...at least I won't get any questions about this, not that I'd mind.

Here I was worried about possibly having MS and I get hit with this whole tumor thing instead, plus the spots on my brain are still there.  Guess I did have a stroke last year.  Yay for being sent home from the ER after being told that it was only an allergic reaction that caused my left eye lid to sag, my memory to be shot and my BP to be way above the good levels. Sadly they didn't do what they should have done, but I guess this is what the medical practice is like now.

I know I shouldn't worry too much until I talk to my dr, but how can one not worry about something like a tumor?  Even if it is benign it's still a scary thing. The treatment for it is cutting off of blood flow to it, removal and radiation therapy. Yeah, I'm scared.

< /RANT >

All about themselves...

How often do you get a phone call from someone that only talks about themselves? I get at least 5 calls a day like that...and all from my mother. I'm serious too, she never wants to listen, all she does is ta;k about her stuff and what's going on in her life. She lives less then a mile away from me, I know what's going on, I don't need her to rehash things or tell me about conversations she's had over the phone with people that I don't even know or care about.

It drives me up the wall, it really does. Even when Bug and I go out to lunch with her she does the same thing.  Always talking about herself as though she's the center of our universe, the center of the worlds universe.

Sure, I complain about things, but I do it here, I try my damnedest not to complain to people, they don't need to know my life story, nor do they need the stress of what's going on with me on their shoulders.

Maybe I'm just being petty or something, but it's annoying when all someone talks about is themselves. And my mother's not the only one that does it.

Shadus does it too, he'll call, bitch about something that's going on then says he has to go.  What ever happened to people just talking about their days together, or just talking in general? I guess people as a whole have lost the ability to just talk, instead they've gained the annoying ability to bitch about themselves as though they were the center of the universe. It's sad really, and it bothers the ever living hell out of me.

Even Strider's uncle D does it, and he can go on for hours on end, his mother C does it too.  Am I really to suffer through hearing about their lives and their troubles when no one's there to listen to my troubles?

Maybe I just want to talk to someone, you know, just talk.  Like I was able to with Mouse. I really miss her, I miss just talking to her. It's really starting to seem as though she was the only one I had to talk to.

Yeah, I have J to talk to, but she's got enough on her shoulders, especially with getting ready to move in January. That's yet another sad entry into this blog of rants.  The person I connected with so easily is moving away.

Now that I've gotten myself all depressed I guess I'll finish this episode of Vampire Diaries then go clean or something...


< /RANT >

Storms & fire

So much has happened in the past few weeks.  A hurricane went right past us and hit NJ pretty badly. By badly I mean that it caused massive flooding and power outages that still haven't been fully restored.  There are so many people that I know that are still in the dark up there, so many people that are so cold at night.  And now they're facing a severe winter storm that's aiming to dump a lot of snow on them.  Haven't they had enough happen to them already?  I'm really starting to think that Mother Earth is trying to cleanse herself little by little or something.  I wish I knew why this was happening to them.

They need help up there, they really do.  But, what can one person do? Well, aside from sending supplies or something up there, I'm not sure what else can be done.

I see so many people complaining about how horrible their lives are on face book.  Personally I think the people up in NJ have it a lot worse then anyone here does. Sure, I have some things going on right now in my life, but I know it's nothing in comparison to possibly freezing at night in the snow and flooded areas that don't have electricity.

Seeing everything that's going on makes me very thankful for what we have right now. Like that we have electricity, that we're not flooded, that we have food and warmth and a roof over our heads. That I have the ability to can things to last if we ever need them is another thing that I'm very thankful for, as well as being able to make all the homemade products that I make, at least we'll always have what we need to survive, even if we ever have no electricity, or in the event of something bad happening.

There are a lot of people who seem to believe that the world is going to end on December 21st of this year. All I have to say to that is it better not happen, seriously. I want to celebrate my 15th anniversary to Strider, so it had better not happen. I really want to be with Strider this Christmas, especially considering he's not going to be here next year.  Starting in April he leaves us for a full year...talk about a bad year to come.

I could seriously bitch about things right now, but is it really a good thing after saying how people have it worse then I do right now? Well, this is my blog, and my place to rant...so...maybe I should.  I mean, it's not like I'll be bitching about how horrible things are or anything, maybe just a rant or two about stuff that goes on here at my humble abode.

Anyway, tonight I was making some crystallized ginger after making nine 12oz jars of pasta sauce. After I took the ginger out I set the left over liquid to boil...well, it boiled all right...all over the stove.   Not so bad, right? Yeah, it was bad, so bad in fact that the stove top caught fire. Yup, you read that right, I actually succeeded in setting my stove top on fire. It took a few minutes but I got the flames to stop coming back. The hard part was scrubbing the burnt on ginger syrup, it's not totally scrubbed off yet, that may take a little more work tomorrow.

Between trying to get the rest of the burnt on ginger syrup off the stove top and getting the orders finished, it's going to be a very busy day tomorrow. Plus I need to clean this house and get some laundry done. My mom asked me to make her a fresh batch of laundry detergent, add another thing for me to do before the end of the week.

I guess that's about it, not much more to really say tonight.


< /RANT >

Shedding skin...strange dream

Had the oddest dream last night...I was hanging out with some friends and looking through a telescope at the stars when Jake mentioned that it looked like I had been bitten by something on my hand, when I looked it it looked strange, there were three holes.  After a short while the holes got bigger, the skin on my hand was drying up and the holes soon turned into a tear along my knuckles.  It didn't hurt, and I could see what looked like fresh, clean skin underneath.

There was also a concert of some kind going on where people were wearing all kinds of masks, hiding who they were, the music was about change and death, love and regret.

Jake took me to the hospital where I sat waiting for what felt like an eternity. The people that were there in the waiting room of the hospital had all sorts of afflictions. They had things like a virus that caused them to have boils and blisters, flesh eating diseases, insanity, the inability to remove their masks.  I woke up before anything else happened.

Talk about seriously strange.

Lately I feel as though I'm going through a change of some sort.  Like I'm shedding who I used to be and becoming who I was meant to be. Maybe that's what last nights dream meant. Or maybe I'm seeing the truth about the world and the people in it and it's being reflected in my dreams.



< /RANT >