Second Guessing

Why can't I have a single day where my mom doesn't start a fight with me or make me feel like complete shit? She came over today unannounced and started right in with the mess that was my house. I know my house is a mess, thank you so very much for making me feel even worse about it all. The pain keeps me from doing a lot of things, and yes I do push past the pain sometimes, but if I put myself into such a bad state that I couldn't move for a week Strider would be pissed at me.
I told her "Fine, I'll just push past the pain and clean the house regardless of how I feel"
Then she came back with "That's not the point."  That was the fucking point, and she knows it.

I tried to talk to her about Christmas stuff for Bug and stuff like that she went off on me again about how she's too young for a tv or anything in her room.  I'm sorry, but, who''s kid is Bug? She sure as hell isn't my mom's kid, she's mine!  So I say what I can and cannot do with and for her.

I told Strider about is all and he plainly asked if he needed to talk to her....I know what kind of talk he'd have with her and it wouldn't be a good one, not even a little bit.  It'd end with her hating me for the rest of my life and even beyond that.

Today Bug helped me out so much, she really did.  She helped me get some cleaning done, we even did a little gardening. I even tried to help her ride her bike, she got scared even though she didn't need to be. Maybe tomorrow will be better and she'll be braver

. Yesterday she helped me to finish most of the products for the orders.  Sometimes I feel bad that she's growing up so fast, I just want her to be a kid.  A normal, happy, playful kid.

When I see how she acts some days I feel like I failed her, that I stopped her from being a kid by being in pain so much over the past few years. Maybe I'm just a bad mom or what ever.  Maybe I failed her somehow.

I guess for now I should just stop with the brooding and melancholic and crap and try to get the last few things done and relax.

< /RANT >