Three months in...

Ever notice how everything seems to happen when you're the only one around to do anything about it?  That's been the was my life has been since Strider left a little over 3 months ago.

So far since he's left my car needed repairs twice, his Jeep is dead again due to an unknown electrical issue, Bug had surgery, the toilets need to be repaired and a breaker needs to be replaced.

How exactly am I to do all of this on my own while feeling like complete and utter crap?  It's not an easy answer, but I know that my answer is that I have to keep going no matter what.

I found that I couldn't get the bolts out of the tank on the back of the toilet on my own, that still needs to be taken care of. I wish I could say that procrastination played in a part in the toilets not being fixed yet, but that isn't the issue, the main issue is that I can't do it on my own and I have no one here to help with things like this.

The other day I reset the breaker after it tripped, then I turned on the pool filter again only to have the breaker trip after five seconds.  Looks like I'll have to replace the breaker and possibly the external socket. Needless to say the pool was taken apart and put away.

The house is in serious need of a good cleaning, I know I've slacked off on it lately, with all that's happened lately...I need to get my ass in gear and get this house organized and cleaned again.  I really need to stay on top of this stuff and not let this damned depression get the better of me.

I think the main reason this depression has been hitting me so hard this year is because the people I leaned on last year aren't here this year.  Jay and Tracy both moved away, now the only people I have to lean on are my mother and B who's on oxygen and not doing so well herself.  Guess you can say that there's really no one here for me to lean on, or even a shoulder to cry on. This is why I need to keep my own head above water and keep myself from drowning. And I'll do it too, I have to, there's no other alternative.

It all feels so much harder with Strider not here.  Does that make me sound weak?  Sometimes I feel weak.

There are so many times that I've caught myself feeling jealous and bitter toward people who have their loved ones around them.  I feel so sad when I see them together, yet I'll still smile and keep on going.  I've admitted this sadness to a few people but all they seem to be able to say is that they're sorry. I'm tired of hearing the word sorry, they're not really not sorry for the situation, instead they feel sorry for me, which makes me feel even worse.

When I woke up today I felt so achy and just run down, maybe it's the stress of everything catching up with me, hopefully I'm not getting sick.  Seriously, even my scalp hurts, my skin hurts too. One second I'm freezing, the next I'm boiling...I better not be getting sick.


< /RANT >