Not okay...

Time to pull out the paint and paint on a smile and act like everything's okay even though its far from okay.

But I'm not okay, I'm not okay with him going away, not okay with being without him...not okay.  Bug and I will miss him so much, sure, we're used to him going away for 5 to 6 months, but this is a whole year...

All day I've felt sick to my stomach at the thought of Strider leaving tomorrow night.

Everything's not okay, so very not okay.

I went ahead and redid the crystal binding I had made for Strider over fifteen years ago, put fresh locks of our hair in it and wrapped it up with nice soft cow hide. If the first binding lasted for this long this new one should do great.

Tomorrow night is Bug's show where she'll be singing with the All City Chorus.  After that we're going out for dinner then head to the airport over on base.  Strider's flight leaves at 1am on May 1st....my heart hurts.  I hate being away from my love, even if it's just for a few weeks...but this time it's a year and it's killing me.

Bug's playing Little Big Planet with Strider for the last time until he comes home next year...

No....I'm not okay.


< /RANT >

Why am I going to bed alone?

Good question. With only a few days left before Strider leaves for a full year you'd think that he'd want to snuggle or make love to me. So what's stopping him, you ask? A fucking video game.

He's been up playing the game until way early in the morning. At this rate we won't even any intimate moments between us before he leaves...unless this is what he wants.

Is he trying to push me away? Unintentional or not it still hurts like hell. Not to mention what he said last night. I told him about what this one person said about why he didn't want Bug and I going with him do Bahrain. The whole he has another woman out there crap that I always hear just before he leaves.

He actually said that he'd still come home to us as though nothing was going on...and he wonders why I worry?

Should I worry? I hope not. I'd really hate to have to walk away from him and take Bug with me...breaking apart our family would suck.

Anyway, here it is after 2am and I'm alone in bed...sometimes it feels like he's already left..like he's not really even here until he wants to to it touch me...

Is my marriage really this fucked up or is just my nerves because if how long he's going away for this time?

Time for bed, lets hope I can get through this without losing my mind or my faith in Strider.


< /RANT >

Without him...

I want to cry so badly right now, the tears are stinging my eyes from the insides like tiny shards of glass, the lump in my throat is like a rock that cannot be swallowed....he's leaving...Strider is leaving on the 1st of May...this kills me, it really does.  Bug and I handled six and five month deployments, are we ready to handle a full year?

A full year without his touch....his kiss... his smile... his voice...his warmth... my heart hurts.


< /RANT >

Leaving

In just a few days Strider leaves for a year...a full fucking year...how is that fair?  He was gone for five months, home for six and now he's leaving again.  This time he's moving for a year to a foreign country without us...that hurts, I mean really hurts...that we can't go with him.  Correction, we could have gone with him but he flat out said that he'd rather we didn't.  Should that make me worry? Should I question his reasons? No, I don't think I should.

Bug's not happy about this either, but she understands that this is daddy's job, that he has to do it. The good thing is that three months into this PCS Strider's up for orders.  Now to hope that he can find orders that will get us out of this state and that we can sell our house.

Which is another thing of stress for me, the market value of our house is way less then what we owe on our mortgage..lovely, no?

I guess that's it for now...


< /RANT >

Need to get away

She did it again, my mom went ahead and started a fight with me.  After promising not to bother us while Strider's home on leave she calls and asks for help.  Granted, one of the things Strider did promise to help her with, so that's fine, the other thing was that she needed my car to take stuff back to the store.  So after telling me what she needed to do and failing to ask to use my car I asked her about it and she said yes.  Sure, I was upset and I tried to explain to her that she needs to ask before she decides to get help with my car being the mode of transportation.

Shortly after the argument was over I went into an asthma attack, seriously, she's going to end up killing me one of these days.  She pushes me to the point of being so pissed off that my BP goes up and I start having trouble breathing, this isn't good at all. I don't have an inhaler, haven't needed one in almost 10 years...and there I was struggling for breath thanks to her causing so much stress.

I'm afraid to see what she'll put me through while Strider's gone.  I don't need this crap from her or from anyone.

We need to move out of VA, I can't be this close to her anymore, I need to get away...I really do, we all do.

How will I survive the next year without Strider?  The same way I always have...tough it out.

< /RANT >

Blinders on? Not me!

This country makes me sick, people are so worried about gay marriage that they don't even see the real issues anymore...issues like our country going BROKE, DPKR having WMD and threatening to attack us, people killing each other and blaming it on guns/drugs/games/music or what ever, children getting hurt/killed by asshole adults who do unspeakable things to the innocent children, and so much more.  Seriously people, wake up and look around you, there are FAR MORE IMPORTANT things to worry about right now!  Yes, I am for marriage equality, but I don't have blinders on, I see what's going on in our country....and it's horrible.  But it will in no way dictate what I will and will not do with my life or my day.  So, with that said....I'm off to enjoy my day with Bug.