Holiday drama...

This holiday has been a rough one,not just because of the recent loss of Gaebrial, but because of the way my mom's been.  On Christmas Bug was talking about something and my mom got on her case, telling her to come up with another excuse.  I must have told her ten times to stop, she just kept going after Bug, what the fuck is wrong with her?

No matter what Bug does my mom goes after her,she's always so damned mean to her.  She makes my Bug cry...no one makes my Bug cry! She belittles her, rags on her, yells at her, treats her like complete crap, why?  Why would she be like that with my child? Is she really that jealous that my relationship with Bug?

Over the past few years she's gotten angrier and more spiteful in the way she acts. Every time she talks to me or Bug she starts a fight, tries to make me angry, tries to get me to yell at her. I'm really starting to think that she needs help, but she refuses to acknowledge the fact that she has a problem. She has these manic phases too, either really pissed off or really happy. Do I have the right to talk to her doctor about it? Even if I'm her medical advocate...do I have the right?  Should I even put thought into it? Does thinking about telling her doctor make me a bad person?

I need to rest, this week has run me down something fierce, especially dealing with my mom.


< /RANT >

I just can't win!

How is it that every time I go anywhere with my mother that she ends up starting a fight and I end up the bad guy?

Tonight we went to Lowes to get a battery for her, a filter and chiminae for me..well, the lady in the department for the chiminae basically ignored me. When my mom asked if I was getting it I told her no and why.  She proceeded to make a scene about it even though I told her not to, that it wasn't worth, that I'd just go else where to get it.  Well, thanks to her I looked like an asshole kid who disrespects my mother because she got me to yell at her for not listening to what I had said in the first place.

And I wonder why I had a stroke back in March. She drives me up the fucking wall! Always picking fights with me, always demeaning Bug, saying shit she has no right to say, and being a total and complete bitch to me and Bug!

It's also seeming like the older she gets the more she forgets, the meaner she gets and the more she tries to act like someone she's not. I know she needs friends, she really does, but, with the way she is she won't get any.  None that are sane or even willing to stick around that is.  She's had some friends, three of them went totally insane, now she says she's friends with the son and daughter in law of one of her friends that went nuts.

I know that she can be a nice person, but lately, as in the last five years, it seems to only be when she's getting her way. She lives off stress and strife, or at least that's how it seems.

On a much brighter note...we spent the afternoon with Amber and her girls, they were so happy to see Bug! It was so awesome to sit down to a nice lunch. Bug got to see, feed and pet one of her chickens, talk about fun for her!  This coming weekend we're gonna go back out there for a day just to hang out for a few hours. Since Strider has duty this coming weekend we'll need to keep busy, so hanging out with Amber and maybe Jay too will make it a great weekend!


< /RANT >

Eesh

It's been a while since I've written anything here.  Guess life got the better of me yet again.  I've been so tired lately, and hurting.  This damned disease is kicking my ass. I'm seriously tired of hurting all the damned time.

I forgot to pick up the new medication yet again today, my dr wants me to try Zanaflex.  If it doesn't help then it's on to another drug called Skelaxin.

Between the pain and the usual hectic family life I've been doing some canning and baking. At least I'm trying to keep myself busy.

Today I have to do the grocery shopping and try to get some Yule shopping done.

KM has been pretty much talking to me. Seems that she wants to start hanging out again, so I'll be keeping her at arms length.  Best not to get hurt again. If you've read my previous posts then you know why I'm keeping her at arms length.  Even KA has been trying to get back with me, well, according to her FB post she wants to 'stay' friends. So we'll see.

Today I've done a lot of sleeping, which I know isn't good for me, I've gotten nothing done! Eesh!

The months are passing by and soon Strider will be gone for a year...maybe that's why I'm sleeping so much...depression.  I know we'll get through this, one way or another, we'll get through this. It'll be hardest on Bug I think, just have to keep her and I super busy during that year.

Well, it's about time to go pick Bug up from school then do the shopping.


< /RANT >

Second Guessing

Why can't I have a single day where my mom doesn't start a fight with me or make me feel like complete shit? She came over today unannounced and started right in with the mess that was my house. I know my house is a mess, thank you so very much for making me feel even worse about it all. The pain keeps me from doing a lot of things, and yes I do push past the pain sometimes, but if I put myself into such a bad state that I couldn't move for a week Strider would be pissed at me.
I told her "Fine, I'll just push past the pain and clean the house regardless of how I feel"
Then she came back with "That's not the point."  That was the fucking point, and she knows it.

I tried to talk to her about Christmas stuff for Bug and stuff like that she went off on me again about how she's too young for a tv or anything in her room.  I'm sorry, but, who''s kid is Bug? She sure as hell isn't my mom's kid, she's mine!  So I say what I can and cannot do with and for her.

I told Strider about is all and he plainly asked if he needed to talk to her....I know what kind of talk he'd have with her and it wouldn't be a good one, not even a little bit.  It'd end with her hating me for the rest of my life and even beyond that.

Today Bug helped me out so much, she really did.  She helped me get some cleaning done, we even did a little gardening. I even tried to help her ride her bike, she got scared even though she didn't need to be. Maybe tomorrow will be better and she'll be braver

. Yesterday she helped me to finish most of the products for the orders.  Sometimes I feel bad that she's growing up so fast, I just want her to be a kid.  A normal, happy, playful kid.

When I see how she acts some days I feel like I failed her, that I stopped her from being a kid by being in pain so much over the past few years. Maybe I'm just a bad mom or what ever.  Maybe I failed her somehow.

I guess for now I should just stop with the brooding and melancholic and crap and try to get the last few things done and relax.

< /RANT >

Scary words

One scary word equals three even scarier words. What are the words?  Well, here they are...hemangioma, what's it mean? Benign spinal tumor. Yes, benign is good, but a tumor is scary none the less, especially on your spine.

I guess it's a good thing no-one reads my blog...at least I won't get any questions about this, not that I'd mind.

Here I was worried about possibly having MS and I get hit with this whole tumor thing instead, plus the spots on my brain are still there.  Guess I did have a stroke last year.  Yay for being sent home from the ER after being told that it was only an allergic reaction that caused my left eye lid to sag, my memory to be shot and my BP to be way above the good levels. Sadly they didn't do what they should have done, but I guess this is what the medical practice is like now.

I know I shouldn't worry too much until I talk to my dr, but how can one not worry about something like a tumor?  Even if it is benign it's still a scary thing. The treatment for it is cutting off of blood flow to it, removal and radiation therapy. Yeah, I'm scared.

< /RANT >

All about themselves...

How often do you get a phone call from someone that only talks about themselves? I get at least 5 calls a day like that...and all from my mother. I'm serious too, she never wants to listen, all she does is ta;k about her stuff and what's going on in her life. She lives less then a mile away from me, I know what's going on, I don't need her to rehash things or tell me about conversations she's had over the phone with people that I don't even know or care about.

It drives me up the wall, it really does. Even when Bug and I go out to lunch with her she does the same thing.  Always talking about herself as though she's the center of our universe, the center of the worlds universe.

Sure, I complain about things, but I do it here, I try my damnedest not to complain to people, they don't need to know my life story, nor do they need the stress of what's going on with me on their shoulders.

Maybe I'm just being petty or something, but it's annoying when all someone talks about is themselves. And my mother's not the only one that does it.

Shadus does it too, he'll call, bitch about something that's going on then says he has to go.  What ever happened to people just talking about their days together, or just talking in general? I guess people as a whole have lost the ability to just talk, instead they've gained the annoying ability to bitch about themselves as though they were the center of the universe. It's sad really, and it bothers the ever living hell out of me.

Even Strider's uncle D does it, and he can go on for hours on end, his mother C does it too.  Am I really to suffer through hearing about their lives and their troubles when no one's there to listen to my troubles?

Maybe I just want to talk to someone, you know, just talk.  Like I was able to with Mouse. I really miss her, I miss just talking to her. It's really starting to seem as though she was the only one I had to talk to.

Yeah, I have J to talk to, but she's got enough on her shoulders, especially with getting ready to move in January. That's yet another sad entry into this blog of rants.  The person I connected with so easily is moving away.

Now that I've gotten myself all depressed I guess I'll finish this episode of Vampire Diaries then go clean or something...


< /RANT >

Storms & fire

So much has happened in the past few weeks.  A hurricane went right past us and hit NJ pretty badly. By badly I mean that it caused massive flooding and power outages that still haven't been fully restored.  There are so many people that I know that are still in the dark up there, so many people that are so cold at night.  And now they're facing a severe winter storm that's aiming to dump a lot of snow on them.  Haven't they had enough happen to them already?  I'm really starting to think that Mother Earth is trying to cleanse herself little by little or something.  I wish I knew why this was happening to them.

They need help up there, they really do.  But, what can one person do? Well, aside from sending supplies or something up there, I'm not sure what else can be done.

I see so many people complaining about how horrible their lives are on face book.  Personally I think the people up in NJ have it a lot worse then anyone here does. Sure, I have some things going on right now in my life, but I know it's nothing in comparison to possibly freezing at night in the snow and flooded areas that don't have electricity.

Seeing everything that's going on makes me very thankful for what we have right now. Like that we have electricity, that we're not flooded, that we have food and warmth and a roof over our heads. That I have the ability to can things to last if we ever need them is another thing that I'm very thankful for, as well as being able to make all the homemade products that I make, at least we'll always have what we need to survive, even if we ever have no electricity, or in the event of something bad happening.

There are a lot of people who seem to believe that the world is going to end on December 21st of this year. All I have to say to that is it better not happen, seriously. I want to celebrate my 15th anniversary to Strider, so it had better not happen. I really want to be with Strider this Christmas, especially considering he's not going to be here next year.  Starting in April he leaves us for a full year...talk about a bad year to come.

I could seriously bitch about things right now, but is it really a good thing after saying how people have it worse then I do right now? Well, this is my blog, and my place to rant...so...maybe I should.  I mean, it's not like I'll be bitching about how horrible things are or anything, maybe just a rant or two about stuff that goes on here at my humble abode.

Anyway, tonight I was making some crystallized ginger after making nine 12oz jars of pasta sauce. After I took the ginger out I set the left over liquid to boil...well, it boiled all right...all over the stove.   Not so bad, right? Yeah, it was bad, so bad in fact that the stove top caught fire. Yup, you read that right, I actually succeeded in setting my stove top on fire. It took a few minutes but I got the flames to stop coming back. The hard part was scrubbing the burnt on ginger syrup, it's not totally scrubbed off yet, that may take a little more work tomorrow.

Between trying to get the rest of the burnt on ginger syrup off the stove top and getting the orders finished, it's going to be a very busy day tomorrow. Plus I need to clean this house and get some laundry done. My mom asked me to make her a fresh batch of laundry detergent, add another thing for me to do before the end of the week.

I guess that's about it, not much more to really say tonight.


< /RANT >

Shedding skin...strange dream

Had the oddest dream last night...I was hanging out with some friends and looking through a telescope at the stars when Jake mentioned that it looked like I had been bitten by something on my hand, when I looked it it looked strange, there were three holes.  After a short while the holes got bigger, the skin on my hand was drying up and the holes soon turned into a tear along my knuckles.  It didn't hurt, and I could see what looked like fresh, clean skin underneath.

There was also a concert of some kind going on where people were wearing all kinds of masks, hiding who they were, the music was about change and death, love and regret.

Jake took me to the hospital where I sat waiting for what felt like an eternity. The people that were there in the waiting room of the hospital had all sorts of afflictions. They had things like a virus that caused them to have boils and blisters, flesh eating diseases, insanity, the inability to remove their masks.  I woke up before anything else happened.

Talk about seriously strange.

Lately I feel as though I'm going through a change of some sort.  Like I'm shedding who I used to be and becoming who I was meant to be. Maybe that's what last nights dream meant. Or maybe I'm seeing the truth about the world and the people in it and it's being reflected in my dreams.



< /RANT >

Nothing out of the ordinary

It's been a few weeks since I've written anything here.  It's been so busy lately that sometimes I wonder how I have the time to even think.  Between the orders that have been coming in and the stuff going on with my health, it's been crazy here.

What's up with my health?  Well, the Reader's Digest version is that I went in for a second opinion on the MRI because no one could give me an answer as to what the white spots are.  I went in for a second MRI as well as an MRI of the thoracic spine area to check for lesions.  If there are none then the spots on my brain were from a stroke that I may have had last year.

What, what?  Stroke?  Yes, I may have had a stroke last year that the ER said was nothing but an allergic reaction that affected my eye.  My left eye lid sagged so badly I felt it on my cheek, and my BP was well over 146/130 or something crazy like that.

You can see why I'm stressed out about it.  Who wouldn't be?

My business has been going pretty well.  I got in a bunch of orders for gift baskets and such.  Right now I have about 32 products which includes the variations of some of them.  I'm even branching out into sensual products, which I'll be asking two or three couples to test for me, they won't have to pay for the products they test. They'll have to do a survey each time they use the product so I know how it worked and what they thought of it.  They're input will help me to develop the product or make changes as needed.

I've ordered some new jars, I really like them. So far I've packaged the Hair & Body Wash into the new jars, as well as made a good sized batch of the Minty Lip Balm. Soon I'll be ordering some more supplies so that I can get the rest of the gift basket orders done and shipped out.

I still can't believe that I found out what I really love doing. I love doing this as much as I love cooking and spending time with my family.

On a different note, a good sized hurricane named Sandy threatened us, she stayed off the coast so we didn't get hit all that badly.  Mostly rain and wind, some areas around here got some flooding, which is normal for a nor'easter around here.  Up in NY & NJ though...they got hammered in a very serious way.  There are a lot of people that are without homes right now, so much flooding, sharks swimming in neighborhoods, and no that's not a joke.

My friends up in NJ are okay, which is a good thing, but I'm worried about Trianon, he's in New Brunswick and last I heard that area is flooded out. I pray to Bast that he's okay.

Well, time to get cleaning, this house needs a good cleaning followed by a good cleansing.

< /RANT >

Tears and toads

Today when I drove Bug to school she had a meltdown.  She missed her daddy so much, she's been crying a lot lately.  I feel bad for her, there's nothing I can do except tell her that I miss him too and that he'll be home soon.

While I was helping her out with her homework tonight I saw just how bright she really is.  She knew all the words for her spelling, and her math skills are great. We even played a game for her homework, I love watching her laugh and have fun. It's one of those truly enjoyable moments as a parent, when you enjoy the fun times with your child.


When we went for dinner tonight Bug and I almost stepped on a toad, so we rescued it.  It's in a critter keeper with some crickets right now.  We'll probably take it with us to the Dismal Swamp this weekend and set it free.  I'm looking forward to going hiking with my Bug and Logan, take the camera and see what kind of shots we can get.


That's it for now, I'm tired and can't really think straight right now.



< /RANT >

Another day...

Today started out rather nicely, got a text from Strider over Tango.  I love getting messages from him first thing in the morning, they really do brighten up my mornings. But, that was rather short lived when my mom called and started in on me about the other day.

I'm really getting tired of the way she acts.  Tonight when I tried to talk to her about it and tell her that she was showing quite a few signs of bi-polar manic depression, but would she listen? Of course not. She refuses to even see a counselor about it, or even talk to her GP about it. She says she doesn't need help. I guess all my words fell on deaf ears once again. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only semi-sane one in my family.

Oh well, I guess I can't help her, not unless she's willing to acknowledged the fact that she has a problem and get help for it on her own. I seriously don't see her doing that any time soon.

I started draining the pool today, it's actually about half way done already, talk about fast draining. Tomorrow I can take it apart and wash the liner, let it dry then roll it up for storage. That way I'll have some more room in the back yard, I might even start working on the patio, just have to measure it out and get the amount of blocks I need.  That way I can also set aside a spot for Bug to have a sand box to play in.  I know she's almost 7, but she really loves to play in the sand.

Guess I should get started on the new batch of dish washer detergent, I might even try to press it into the ice cube trays and make them little blocks. That would be awesome if it actually worked! Seriously need to try it!  I also need to make a fresh batch of the laundry detergent.  This week will be spent cleaning this house, trying to get it all squared away.  I know that I need to get rid of some things, you know, the things we don't need anymore.  Better to do that then hold onto things that'll just take up space and have no use at all even later on.

Well, off to go make the laundry and dish washer detergents. Might even try making a batch of skin lotion.

Wish me luck!

< /RANT >

Out of place...

Ah yes, the after midnight blog entry...

Bug and I went to our friends house tonight for a birthday party for Kitty and Bitty. Bug had a blast hanging out with the kids and playing.  After a while we left to go have dinner, when we returned we took our dog with us.  He had fun playing with the other dogs.

There was only one problem...I felt out of place...I was the only one there who's husband was gone.  It's the one thing I dislike about hanging out with friends, is being the only one there without their husband.

I mean, sure, I had fun, but I just felt like an outsider, you know?

Maybe I'm being silly, but it just bothers me, makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. But I didn't say anything, I really didn't want to ruin the day for anyone else.

Oh well, I should go before I feel any more depressed then I already do.



< /RANT >

She needs help!

It happened again yesterday. My mom decided to start going after Bug because she was pissed off at me.  It all started when I was talking to Strider on Tango, we were talking about his mother when my mom decided to but her nose into the conversation. I told her that it wasn't her business and to stay out of it, well, that pissed her off apparently. So she took it out on poor Bug.  That's when I lost it, I yelled at her to stop.  She threatened to walk home, so I let her.  I wasn't about to stop her, not after what she did to Bug.  Besides, it was a very nice day out yesterday, perfect walking weather.

Strider thinks I should have her committed, I can't do that, she'd hate me for life. She does need help though, serious help.  When I first suggested a therapist to her she claimed she had seen one that told her she was bi-polar and she flipped out on him and stormed out of his office.  The next time I asked her about seeing one she claimed she had gone to one and he tried to kill her by putting her meds that would have reacted badly with the meds she's on now.

According to her dr she's in stage 4 renal failure, I'm sorry, but if she was in stage 4 she'd be a lot worse off then she is.  Not to mention being almost crippled if she had RA as severely as she says she does.

I just don't know what to do anymore, she's become so bitter and angry all the time, unless she's getting what she wants.  She says that my Aunt, her sister, treated her like crap when she was up there for my aunts son's funeral.  Knowing my mom she said something in her usual angry, bitchy tone and was told to stop and she went off as usual.  My brother doesn't even bother with her unless he wants something from her, sounds familiar really.

Bug tried to call her today to tell her what she had learned in school today, well, my mom was cold and unemotional to her. Then when Bug asked my mom if she wanted to talk to me she said "I have nothing to say, good bye" and hung up. If she wants to be alone in her life, she's doing a great job so far.  Because of her attitude I don't like being around her. I've tried so hard to be nice to her, to understand what she's going through and be there for her, but she just doesn't seem to give a damn.  All she cares about is her crap and talking about the same thing over and over again.  I'm done with it.  Even when we're driving she freaks out of a person coming to a stop sign next to us rolls slightly over the line, I swear, she acts as though they're gonna run the light and hit us!

I can't anymore of this, I really can't. Goddess help me, I just don't know what to do about her any more.  Even when we're out in public she'll start in on Bug, refuse to listen when Bug says to stop, then I have to yell because she refuses to listen the first three times I ask her to stop! Then I look like the bad guy! She needs to learn to stop demeaning Bug, stop picking on Bug and to respect bug's personal space!

I swear, between my mom and Strider's mom Bug has no grandmothers at all, no grandfathers either, Strider's father is dead and mine is...well...I have no clue to be honest.

My mom tried to get me all pissed at my father again, I forgave him a long time ago, just like I had forgiven her a long time ago for the physical abuse.  But this...I dunno if I can forgive this.  She's making my daughter miserable, making my daughter not want to be around her, making my daughter cry. Sorry, but no one makes my kid cry.

Before I get even more angry about this crap I should go...time for bed anyway.



< /RANT >

A MiL that's not worth the trouble...

So..between Bug lying to me and being disappointed in certain people in my family I guess things could be worse.  As long as I can get Bug to stop lying to me and have Strider home with me again I know that I'll make it through all the other crap. As for the people in my family that have disappointed me...well, there's no helping them if they can't help themselves.

I can't keep worrying about them and hoping that they not only get better but that they pick up the phone and call.  I'm not sure what's wrong with my mother in law, I really don't. Over the past few weeks she keeps saying in posts on my FB that she'll call us over the weekend, yet she never does.  Not once since Strider's been gone has she even picked up the phone and called us, not even a single text to see how Bug and I are holding up.  She's not a mother to him, not even a little bit.  After the way she lost them when Strider was 7 years old she doesn't deserve to be in his life. Yet when she talks about it she always says "The judge even said it wasn't because we were bad parents"...what the hell do you call being an alcoholic, drug addict and a hoarder if not a bad parent?

Any time I even think about the way she is it really pisses me off. I feel bad for Strider because he never had a childhood where he could feel safe. Granted, mine wasn't all that good either, but at least I had my family.

Not long ago my mom told Bug that she has two grandmothers, Bug flat out said "No, I only have one grandmother."  Talk about a heart breaking thing to come out of a six year old kid.  But I doubt that it would even phase my MiL, and if it did she'd just drink it away or some shit.  I'm worried that Strider will lose his mother to the drinking, he already lost his father to the drinking and drugs.

Well, before I get even more upset I better stop this rant...


< /RANT >

Ready to scream!

I swear, when it rains it really fucking pours. Yesterday I went to speak to one of the ladies in the cafeteria at Bug's school.  I told her that Bug needed soy milk and that the board of education told me that they have to go pick it up that it's not a delivery item. She said she'd have it in by lunch time yesterday...yeah, that never happened.

Today Bug tells me that one of the cafeteria ladies took the regular milk, opened it and poured it into her cereal and told her to eat it anyway. She told me that the nurse asked what the lady was doing and told her about Bug's allergy. Needless to say Whitley came over and did her usual bullshit. She doesn't give a damn about the kids in that school unless they're black.  I hate to say it that way, but that's the way it seems.

I'm so damned frustrated with this fucking principal. I've called the board of education, but they don't seem to care much at all.  So, today I called them and left a message saying that I expect the head of nutrition to meet me there by 835am, I also called the governors office and left a message about what was going on.  I also went as far as calling the local TV station.

What else am I supposed to do?  I guess I'll see what happens tomorrow morning.  If this isn't taken care of by the appropriate parties then I have no idea what the hell to do. 

If I pull her out of the school she'll miss her friends and lose the socialization the school offers, yet at the same time she'll be safe and getting the education she needs and wants.

I guess I'll update tomorrow with what ever happens.


< /RANT >

Grumbles, Growls and everything in between

It's been a while since I blogged anything, I know, I need to start putting my feelings and such down better.  It's just hard sometimes, you know, life and all.

Things have been interesting to say the least since Strider left for deployment.

I took our dog to the vet because he was losing fur on his sides, they did the Free T3 for me, which is a full thyroid panel.  The results...well, he has Lymphocitic Thryoiditis.  What is that you ask? It's a genetic disease similar to Hashimoto's disease in humans.  He also has seasonal flank alopecia, which is treatable with melatonin.

I PM'd the breeder to let him know what was going on, well, he was a complete ass to say the least.   He never even bothered to respond until another dog, that was since put to sleep due to aggression issues, was brought up.  After I remarked about the contract, he went off the deep end. He threatened, he huffed, he puffed, he bluffed. He even tried to tell me not to treat the dog.  Excuse me? I'm sorry, but he did not go to veterinary school, why the hell should I listen to him? I'm listening to what the VET said to do.  What did I do?  I called two lawyers, gave them all the information, including the emails back and forth. They said to ignore him, one of them actually flat out said that if he tries to take me to court that the judge will call him a dumb ass.  How great is that? They also said that if he does try to sue me that they'll handle him, they both said that he will end up paying more then he would have had he simply done what any responsible breeder would have done.  Anyway, he claimed to be sending me a certified letter or some shit, yeah, okay, been two weeks and it hasn't shown up...yet another fucking bluff from this asshole.  Needless to say I will sending the test results to the OFA as well as sending a letter to the UKC about how unprofessional this breeder is.  Why send a letter to the UKC? Because he's the president of it up in MI. Can you tell that I'm not someone to be bullied?

While all of that was going on I've had an MRI, which came back negative. So now I have to go see a neurologist for further testing.  My Dr is just wanting the same answers I'm looking for.  Is it really fibromyalgia or is it MS?  Hopefully we'll get an answer, no matter how good or bad it is, I'll handle it.

Plus I've been making and selling homemade products for the home and body. It all started out when Bug was itching from the laundry detergent.  I started making our own laundry and dish detergent.  Then it spread to bug spray and hand sanitizer, and just spread from there.  Now I make sachet's, carpet and upholstery freshener and even shampoo! Soon I'll be making glycerin soaps, possibly some bath bags, bath bombs/fizzies and maybe even some skin lotion!

So you can see that even when I'm stressed out and about to slap the shit out of assholes in my life, I can still make good things and keep my head up.

Bug starts school in a few days, I can't wait.  I know, that sounds horrible, but it's true! Yet at the same time I'm dreading it.  On Tuesday when I take her to school I need to stop in and speak to the cafeteria manager about them having soy milk for Bug.  If she tries to tell me that it'll take a week or two, I'll tell her bullshit, the board of ed said that it's their responsibility to go pick it up!  After that I get to go talk to the principal about them putting that kid that assaulted Bug three times last year in her class!  Seriously?!  I'm telling you, if anything, and I mean ANYTHING, is done to my Bug by that kid I'm holding the school and the principal PERSONALLY responsible.

Well, I guess that's about it for now, maybe I'll have more to say tomorrow.

By the way, if that certain person is reading this, then he needs to get a life.  I can already get him on cyber bullying, shall we go for cyber stalking as well?


< /RANT >

Raven's All Natural!

I made a page on FaceBook...yup, you guessed it, I'm actually trying to sell my stuff...even if I'm a bit skittish about it.

Raven's Naturals


Have a look, buy something, and live healthy!


<  /RANT >

SAHM summer

When someone asks how you spent your summer...what will you tell then?  I know what I'd say.  I spent the summer having fun with my daughter, going places with her, doing crafts with her, swimming with her, laughing with her and teaching her neat little science facts while doing silly experiments.  I work out as much as I can (depending on my pain lever that day) when she's asleep so it doesn't take away from the time we can spend together doing things.  So...what did you do this summer?

Yes, I'm a SAHM and proud of it. I'm so tired of the "Oh, you're a just a mom, you don't work like I do" comments...really?  I don't work hard?  Maybe those kinds of people should take a lesson in being a SAHM, seriously, we work our asses of.

Among the usual house cleaning, laundry and dishes, here's what I am in this house hold: nurse, teacher, counselor, ATM, cook, chauffeur, hair dresser, event planner, alarm clock, maid, waitress, handyman, security, photographer, referee and I also scare away the bad dreams, the boogie-man, the monsters in the closets and under the bed. I get no days off, no sick days, no personal days, I'm on call 24/7 356...so tell me again that I'm "just a mom", please.

I enjoy being a SAHM, I truly do, it gives me the opportunity to help Bug learn and keep things running smoothly. Would I like to work? Sure, I wouldn't mind being a WAHM. It would give me the opportunity to work and take care of everything here at the house and spend time with Bug.

Take today for instance, we went to Michael's for their Passport to Imagination, today it was Spain.  Bug had a blast making the crafts.  After dinner with my mom we came home and made silly putty, well, technically it was a polymer, but still basically silly putty only more cool and oh so easy to make!

Tomorrow, which is my birthday, will be spend doing crafts with Bug and making some more homemade supplies.  We're out of toilet/bathroom cleaner, disinfecting cloths and all purpose cleaner, so it's time to make some.


< /RANT >

Penny Pinching...

So I got to thinking the other day...what the hell is with all these insane costs for everything? Seriously, we were paying $5.99 for 20 tablets of dishwasher detergent...that's like 26 cents a load! Holy cow that's a lot! Then there's the laundry detergent...another $14.95 or so for 50 loads! Not to mention the hand sanitizers that are chock full of alcohol and who knows what else!

I surfed the web for a day or two. No, not all at once, just a little here and there.  Until I found what I was looking for, and when I did it was like a light went on! I was like "Eureka! I could do this!"

And I did! I made enough laundry detergent to make 128 loads of laundry detergent for only $9, costing about 6 cents a load! Holy cow what a difference!  With the rest of the ingredients I had left over I made enough dishwasher detergent to make 192 loads of dishes for only $7.81, about 4 cents a load!  After that I made hand sanitizer, total cost was about $11, but I made about 60 ounces of alcohol free, all natural, hand sanitizer! In total I spent about $26 dollars and made enough stuff to last us a good long while! I love saving money!

Okay, okay! Sorry, I had to brag a little! Anyway, on to the recipes!

Laundry detergent 

4 cups Borax
4 cups baking soda or washing soda
4 bars of Fels Naphtha

Grate the fels naphtha as fine as you can get it, mix all the ingredients together.  To make this into a fine powder you can put it through the food processor.

Use 1 Tbsp per load of laundry.  This works for both HE and regular washers!


Dishwasher Detergent

4 cups Borax
4 cups baking soda or washing soda
2 cups citric acid
2 cups salt

Mix all the ingredients together and mix well. This ends up clumping a bit like any powder detergent. You can add rice to stop this.

Use 1Tbsp per load of dishes.


Are ants giving you trouble? Do they get in through your doors?  There's an easy way to fix that! Chalk! Yes, a simple line of marking chalk powder will keep them out!


And there you have it!


< /RANT >

Another series in our crazy life

Today I went out and picked up the rest of the stuff I needed to make our own laundry detergent.  After calculating everything it comes to only 6 cents per load! You seriously can't go wrong with that.

Bug helped me make it, she was so excited to smell it and see how it all mixed together.

We also make homemade bug repellent, it smells great, is all natural and so easy to make! The big thing is that it works!

It's been about a month or so since Strider left, it's been rough, but I've been keeping Bug and I very busy.  Every other day we go to Michael's, they have a craft thing for kids called Passport to Imagination, they do crafts for countries around the word, they run it during the summer.  We also go to Loews for their Build And Grow, Bug loves it! We also go to the Planetarium every month!

Between all of that, mowing the lawn and edging it, plus working out I think I'm getting some good tone going on in my arms and my legs.  I swear, from boobs up I'm toned, from hips down I'm toned, but in the middle I'm like the Stay Puft Marshmallow girl.

So many things have been going on lately. We've redone a few of the window screens, made lots of homemade stuff to save money, got the yard looking good, minus the weeds, and got the garden mostly done.  Other then that it's been pretty quiet.  Bug upsets me at times with her not listening thing, but I guess that's just a part of parenting, maybe it's a stage.  Or at least I hope it is and that she'll out grow it.

I miss Strider so much, this deployment has been kinda rough emotionally. He told me that this is how it will be for the next three to four years...six months here with us and six months in Bahrain on the boat.  I guess I better get used to being a single mom for six months out of every year.

So, with him gone this time I'm paying down the bills and trying to save up some money.  Tax returns will pay off a lot of stuff, then next deployment we'll pay off more and save more.  Plus we might be able to get the carpeting done when he gets home, as well as tearing up and replacing the tiling in the kitchen.  I also want to get the eco-friendly patio blocks, we'd be able to take it with us when we move!

Well, I guess that's it...

< /RANT >

Not even half way there...

Well, Strider left a few weeks ago...that was rough. Bug was good with it, she's been okay with him being gone so far. Every night she tears off a ring off the deployment ring we made before he left. It's been about a month since he left...and depression is trying to set in.

This past Saturday I cleaned the house, Bug cleaned her room after I asked her once! I was so damned proud of her! Jay's hubby K went out of his way to pick up some of the craft stuff from Lowes for the girls to do, Jay even signed Bug up for the weekly kids workshop. They so didn't have to do that! This is just one of the many reasons that they are awesome people.

On Sunday I took her over to NMCP to see the fireworks from OpSail, from where we stood up on the top deck of the parking garage we were able to see all three of the shows!   We met up with Jay and her family there, the girls had a blast!

And here I am at Monday...I had to cancel my appointments for the week because of a flare up...it happens. The one thing I can't stand is people trying to get me to go on other pain killers as well as the Mobic. I don't care what other people are taking for the same disease, I'm managing it in my own way and if they don't like it then they can go to hell.

On another note, I haven't heard a single word from KS or KM in weeks, the only contact I have with KM is at the school when I go pick Bug up. Not sad about it really, why should I be? They showed me that I can;t trust people. Maybe I should get them corpse flowers and put a note saying thank you for showing me that I can't trust and that the flower is a sign of a friendship that has died. Okay, so I'm mean. You would be too.

Anyway, today I'm taking it easy, there;s not much to do around the house except the dishes from dinner last night. And maybe wipe down the counters and table.

Oh! I made homemade bug spray the other day. I sprayed it on Logan and he hasn't had a single mosquito or no-see-um anywhere near him. I even sprayed it on Bug and I at the fireworks and we went un-buged by bugs. It's great to have all natural bug repellent and not have to worry about the chemicals leaching into your skin. I may pick up some stuff to make homemade body wash and soaps this pay, I need to do something to make it easier on our wallets as well as our skin. I want to get away from spending money on cleaning products, if I buy the ingredients and make it myself it should save us a good lot of money...I hope.  If the cleaning solutions don't work then it would have been a waste of money...and that's one thing I can't stand...wasting money.  I guess we shall see what happens.


< /RANT >

What a crazy few days...

Saturday Bug's troop went to Rock The Beach, the girls all had fun, which is what is was all about. We had thought that it ran until 4pm, man were we ever wrong. They ended up kicking everyone out of the main room at 2pm.

We were sitting out in the breezeway trying to decide what we were going to do next, while Amber and I did that KS was playing a game with the girls.

From the moment we all met up at the fire station KA had an attitude. I should have known she would start trouble. An hour or so after we had all gotten home KA called me. She actually had the gal to say "don't take this as a personal attack" then she went on to say that when I had gotten Bug and Lilbug some cotton candy that it was unfair to the other children...let me say this before you start in on this subject too. When this event was arranged we had stated that if the parents wanted their kids to have any extras that they had to provide them with some money. Anyway, the only one that did that was Lilbug's mom.

Today I sent Amber a text and asked her what KA wanted, she told me that KM and KA want to take over the troop!  LOL That make me giddy, it made Amber giddy too...not because we don't have to lead anymore, but because they're going to find out how screwed they'll be when the organisation doesn't help them either.  KA was rather pissy when I told her that I was walking away too because I'm tired of the psycho drama and such, she actually started to get bitchy with me. I know that this was the plan to begin with between the two of them, KA and KM, they've been trying to get Amber against me for a while now.

Tomorrow I'm meeting Amber at the GS store to get the girls some end of the year/end of the troop goodies. We refuse to lend a hand to KM and KA if they wants to run the troop, why should we? They barely ever raised a finger when we asked them for help.

Not to mention that KM is now taking care of KA' kids and driving KA' hubby's car...that sums it up, doesn't it?

Can't wait until Friday when Amber announces it and I let everyone know that if they want to get in touch with me they can get my number after the event because I'm stepping down too.  Hmm, I wonder how many people will be sticking around after Friday?  I guess we'll have to wait and see!

Oh! Tomorrow my Bug will be in a show at her school!!  I can't wait to record it so that Strider can see it! I'm so proud of my Bug! Strider's going to love it! I plan on showing it to Amber as well.  Bug said that she's going to be teamed up with her two best friends! That's so awesome!

I got her progress report for this quarter, she got all straight A's again! That's my girl, I couldn't be prouder of her! She's done so well in school, granted, a lot of it's because of all the homeschooling I've done.

So far she's doing pretty good with this deployment, she's not too emotional, and she removes one link off the chain every night before bed. As she takes the chain off she says "I love you, daddy, I miss you, see you soon." then she puts the link into a bag. She's even going to be starting a journal of our summer adventures called "My Summer Adventures With Mommy!" It'll have photos in it, things she's collected, seen, cards or something from the places she's been as well as a little write up on the things she felt, saw and did at each place or outing. Her book was started when we caught and identified a Asilidae, commonly known as a Robber Fly ( and yes she set it free).  A photo of her at Chuck E. Cheese's from Desty's b-day party, which Bug totally enjoyed!

That's about it for now I suppose...


< /RANT >

A bit sad today..

Usually I don't use the word 'hate'...but today I think I'll use it...I hate deployments!

Late Tuesday night Bug and I drove Strider to the airport on base to see him off. It wasn't a fun time for me, not even a little bit.  Having to let my love go isn't an easy thing for me. I love Strider so damned much that I really hate being apart from him, even if we do need the time apart every so often. The thing I really dislike is that when he gets home the day after Bug's b-day he'll be with us for eight months, then he'll leave us again in June of 2013. We have three deployments ahead of us before he retires...unless he makes Chief, then he'll stay for an extra three years after his twenty.

So far Bug's been handling it pretty well, despite Strider not being able to Skype us yet. The last word we got from him he was in Italy.

While he's gone I'm going to do a lot of things with Bug. I even offered to help Jay and her hubby with the work they want to do in their house. In exchange they'll be helping me with the patio, which I think is awesome.

Bug and I went to dinner last night with Jay and her family. The girls really enjoyed it, so did us adults, it was great to have time with them.

The only unnerving thing that's happened so far was the sound of breaking glass in the house. Bug and I went through the house and found nothing, it was a bit weird.

Sorry, there were two things that made me raise a brow. The other thing was that A asked me to take over the troop...as in fully take over and find a new assistant...umm...I don't know if I can do it...what if I screw up? I told A to wait a few weeks then see how she feels.  I also told her that I would only take the lead if she was my assistant. I know that sounds horrible to put that on her, but I don;t feel comfortable with anyone else in the aspect.  I have a meeting with A today over lunch so we'll see what happens.

I guess that's it for now...


< /RANT >

Everything in a jumble

So, last night's Girl Scout meeting went great, the girls had fun painting their own little wooden flower hanger thingie and pinwheel flowers, all made out of wood.  Not long after the meeting started KM showed up and decided to pull all the moms over to the side to talk to them. She said some things that she seriously should NOT have said.

She told us that she had gotten her church for Mondays, when the moms there, which were all but one, said that Monday's wasn't good for us, KM actually had the balls to say "If Monday's aren't good for you there's a troop that meets on Fridays, two troops actually".  My jaw about hit the floor! I went over to where Amber was and told her what KM had said, which was wrong, wrong, wrong! Amber handled it.  Needless to say, KM tried to make it sound as though if people didn't want to have the meetings at her church on Mondays that they would have to find another troop! She's freakin' nuts!

After the meeting was over I stood outside by the cars and talked with Amber. She asked me to run the Daisy troop next year! I was so stunned that I said yes! We talked about what KM had done, and she decided that she wanted to cut it down to just her and I because of KM's attitude and everything else. We're just hoping that KM won't make a scene at RtB. If she does I'm going to call for security and have her removed.

I also have a feeling that KA isn't going to let her daughter go because of all this, which means another 15$ that would be wasted. We already paid for all the tickets for the troop and the chaperons, me, Amber and KM. Just watch KM not even bother to show up, which will leave us short a driver and available car space.

On another note, Strider came home yesterday morning and told me that he's leaving for his deployment on Tuesday! OMG short notice! Thank you Navy! At least we have this weekend with him, as well as Monday and all day Tuesday until we take him to the bird Tuesday night. It's going to be hard on Bug, but we'll make it through, I know we will.  Just to be on the safe side I'll be keeping Bug home from school on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, possibly Thursday as well, I'm not sure yet considering that Thursday is the leader meeting for the troop.

I'm going to have to keep Bug super busy this summer. Thankfully I've got Jay to keep me company, and her daughters love Bug, and Bug called her daughter Lala her  twin!

Well, that's about it for now. I have eggplant soaking for dinner, the rose transplanted, and the new cage for Snow all set up...maybe now I can get a few minutes to myself.


< /RANT >

At least it ended well

Today was a rather good day overall, even though my mom tried to start a fight with me.

I met Jay over at the school, Bug and I followed her back to her house so Bug could play with Lala. They had fun, they painted, played and ran amuck. Jay and I sat and talked yet again, it was great. We talked about the things that we can't talk to anyone else about, paranormal stuff. It's so good to be able to talk to someone about this kind of stuff again. Since I lost Mylia and Annie it's been hard being alone. Especially when it comes to magic and protection. I miss having the power of three, at least now I have someone I can talk to about things again.

Strider has to work again tonight and tomorrow night, but he has the weekend off which is awesome. Hopefully Jay and her hubby and kids will join us for Mother's Day dinner over at Yukai. Jay's hubby likes sushi and she wants to try it. I think they'll like the place, I really do.

Tomorrow we'll be going over to their place again tomorrow and they might be coming over here again on Friday.

There's really no way to explain how it feels to be near Jay, it's peaceful, that's the only word that I can even think of to try to describe it.

Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings. I have PT in the AM, then lunch and maybe a bike ride if the weather's good. I may even stop off at Jay's house on my ride.

That's it for now.

< /RANT >

Troubled day...

This morning Bug left for school without her lunch. She packed everything in her lunch pail except her salad, if I'd known she forgot it I would have grabbed it before we left to get her to school. So I ran it over to the school and gave it to her. My silly Bug.

Last night I had to separate Snow and Cloud. Cloud was attacking Snow, poor little Snow was bitten all over, his nose, back, feet and belly. After getting him cleaned up and some antibiotic ointment on the bites I put him into the large critter keeper we have. I gave Snow some water, which he drank for a good minute or so. This morning I gave him more water as well as some cheese and soy milk to try to fatten him up a bit. I'll be giving him some more water and trying to get him to eat again in a few more minutes.

My mom called a little bit ago saying never mind going over there this morning because she was going to the store. I was talking to her all calmly about what happened with Snow and Cloud, then I told her that I needed to get new rain boots for Bug. So ,mom goes into the whole "We just bought her new rain boots two months ago!" Umm, no, two months ago we got her new sneakers, not rain boots. Then she asks me if I want to go to the store so I can see what they have then take Angie back there this weekend. I told her no because I dislike going shopping when I don't have any money, which is a good reason not to go. So she comes back with "Okay fine" In such a nasty tone. So I asked her why she was upset with me wanting to wait, and that set her off. I was talking to her calmly even as she was yelling and having a fit, it just made her angrier. So I waited until she was quiet and calmly asked her if she was done, she said "I'm done and I'm hanging up now!" in that same angry, pissed off tone. Like I really needed that this morning? One of these days I'm going to tell her that she needs to talk to her doctor about getting on some kind of medication to help with her mood swings. To me it seems like she's bi-polar, she can go from happy and sweet one second to screaming and threatening you the next.  It's not healthy at all, and I really don't want Bug exposed to it because it makes Bug ask out toward Strider and I, which isn't good at all.

It's bad enough that KA and KM decided to shun me, I really don't need my mom's crap on top of that.  Speaking of KA and KM, KA never even said a word to me about no longer wanting me to pick up her daughter, instead she just started putting her with the MWR. That's fine, but then she suddenly has KM picking her up.  Yesterday when I told KM that she was welcome to join us on the trips we're planning for this summer, she comes back with "I can't, I'm watching KA's kids this summer and can't fit them all in my car." Woah, really? So instead of letting her daughter hang out with Bug, who was supposedly her daughter's BFF, she's putting her kids with KM? Thanks a lot, KA, seriously, thanks for the slap in the face...again.  The first slap in the face was when she got professional family photo's done after saying that she wanted me to do them. So instead of taking my offer of doing them for free she goes off and spends who knows how much without even telling me that she didn't me to do them. That's just wrong. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does. Maybe because they had both claimed to not be to the type of person to just suddenly turn on someone. Oh well, I don't need people like that in my life, I have better people to hang out with anyway.

My biggest concern is that they're both in GS with Bug, one of them is an assistant leader like I am, this could cause some turbulence in the troop, which I seriously hope that it doesn't. I plan on giving KA the 12$ she fronted me so I could get Bug into the GS, that way I owe her anything and I can walk away with a clear conscience. If it starts trouble with them being in the troop with us, then I'll have to sit down and talk to A about it. As it is I think KM is disliking me because A asked me to be her assistant and that she comes to me first when it comes to information or things that need to be taken care of within the troop or for setting something up. I really don't want to have to leave GS because of their petty crap. Actually, if it comes down to it I'll just ignore them and see what happens. I mean, why should I walk away from something that Bug obviously enjoys? Why should I make her suffer because of them? I shouldn't and I won't. I'd sooner drive them to leave and go to another troop then stay and make it a bad experience for Bug and and the rest of the girls. I enjoy working with A to do things with the girls, it's great to see the smiles on their faces and listen to them talk about it afterward.


< /RANT >

Hamsters, walks and cages

It seems like we have to separate the hamsters. You didn't know we had hamsters? Sorry, I must have forgotten to mention it. We got them a little over a week ago. The pet store was giving them away since they were born there, two brothers.  Bug named them Storm and Cloud. They're Russian Dwarf hamsters, so cute.  But, anyway, we have to separate them, Cloud has been going after Snow, keeping him from the food and being a complete asshole to Snow. So, this weekend we'll be getting another enclosure with some tubes and such, should be cool for them.

I took Logan for a walk today, about 8/10's of a mile, it wasn't too bad. He pulled at first but he started to do better. Tomorrow I'll walk him again after breakfast, then maybe after lunch I'll go for a bike ride. Maybe at some point I'll start working out again, I need to tone my core and get myself back into shape. I want to have a killer body by the time Strider gets back from his impending deployment.

This weekend I need to clean out Sammy's tank, scoop and wash Eragon's tank, clean out the hamster cage and set up the new one, clean out Blue's enclosure and bathe the cats if I can. Might try to get some house cleaning in somewhere too.

Tomorrow Bug will have her best friend over to play, it'll be so good to see her happy and playing with her friend.  It's such a shame that KA turned away from me, Bug really enjoyed playing with her daughters. Oh well, it's their loss, right?

I guess that's it for now...


< /RANT >

She needs to chill or something...

It happened yet again today, my mom tried to start drama with Bug and make her cry.  When I told her to stop she snapped at me, I simply told her to stop what she was doing unless she wanted to make Bug cry and start drama, she kept pushing so I told her a final time and she snapped at me.  Seriously, what the fuck is her malfunction? It's as though she needs to confrontation, the drama, the need to scream and bitch at someone to live.

I've tried to tell her that she needs help, needs to talk to a therapist or what ever, but she says she doesn't need to.  The last time she went to see a therapist they suggested that she take medication and she flipped out on them, storming out of their office. Or at least, that's what she said had happened. I can't even tell when she's telling the truth anymore, I really can't. No matter what my mom is talking about she always sounds angry, she changes her story at least twice.  Then she wonders why Bug lies to me after spending time with her. I can see why and I've told Bug that if she keeps this up she'll end up just as angry and bitter as my mom. And that's the last thing that I want to see happen. Bug needs to be a happy kid, to do things like a kid and have fun, not be shut down by my mom every few minutes.

I better stop ranting before I give myself a headache.


< /RANT >

Grumbles & Strawberry

What is wrong with some people? I thought for sure that KA and KS were friends of mine, I guess not. Not only was KA at KS's house all day, they both decided not to go to strawberry picking with the troop. The excuse first started out being about the weather then moved on to being about KA's daughter not feeling well.  If she's not feeling well then why in the hell are you at KS's house?! Seriously, if she's sick then why the hell are you there?

Maybe I'm just being petty, but I feel that if you're going to say that you're friends with someone that you should act like it, not turn your back on them the second you get a new friend. It's a seriously shitty thing to do. Maybe I'm seeing something that isn't there, but I dunno, it sure as hell feels like they don't want to be friends with me anymore. I hope it's not the way it seems, I really do. I'd hate to lose friends because they decided to get stupid.

I guess this wouldn't bother me so much if it hadn't happened so much in the past. First it was a mom's group here that decided they were too good for me, then it was Kim and Sako, now these two. Is there something wrong with me? It's not me, it's got to be them, I haven't changed over the years, I'm still the same person I was.

What really sucks is that it's hurting Bug, it's taking friends away from her. She was good friends with Kim's kids and with Sako's kids, and she cried when they stopped talking to me because she wanted to know why they hated her so much. My poor Bug, the only thing I could tell her was that it wasn't her that they didn't like, that it was mommy. And now with KM and KA, if they're turning from me and keeping their kids away from Bug then they're truly shitty people. I hope that they get what they deserve for hurting people the way they're hurting Bug and I.

Even if they're turning from me I'll still put the invites out there for them to join us for outings and such. I'll be the bigger person about this whole thing. Let them be the way they're going to be, I refuse to be petty, and so I'll continue to put the invites out to them.

Bug had a blast strawberry picking with the troop, and she got a patch for it. I'm glad that she has friends, it's good for her. We picked about a gallon and a half between the two of us. The strawberries are so sweet and yummy, seriously. The way her face lit up when she was picking the strawberries made me so happy. If I could afford to go back there before pay day I would do it in a second.

Today she went to my moms house and picked boysenberries, she loved it. Then we went home and she helped me to plant a flower.

This morning she helped me with Blue's enclosure. Even though Blue clamped his beak down on my finger, Bug did what she was asked to do, she cleaned out his area and even got it all set up again.  Then she helped me to make the dry rub and sauce for the ribs we had for dinner tonight.

Bug asked if she could help me to train Logan, I told her she could but that meant that she had to listen to me as well. If the weather's nice tomorrow I'd like to go for a walk with bug and Logan, see how they both do. Maybe I'll put the short lead on as well as the long lead and let Bug hold one of them. I need to get Logan calmer on the leash when Bug's walking with us, he gets a bit too protective sometimes. One day he lunged at someone who was holding a hammer, another time he nearly went after a kid who came running toward us with a baseball bat. Logan is very protective over Bug and I.


< /RANT >

Good news and paracord

I went for the second ultra sound today. The stress over worrying about a tumor in my knee is now lifted off me. They said it was a misread...that's a pretty serious misread! Telling someone they have a fatty tumor sarcoma isn't a good misread to have. I was scared shitless! At least now I can breathe easier over it.

Bug had her hearing tested today, yet another thing I can wipe off the worry radar, although, I need to talk to her dr about setting up an appointment with an ENT to find out why her ears are always popping.

Now if I could get rid of most of my pain and the rest of the stress in my life maybe then I can sleep better and feel better.

I need to start working out again, maybe that'll help relieve some of the stress.  Maybe it'll also relax the muscles in my back enough so that I can pop my back, hips and maybe my neck too. I need to stay serious about working out and do it even if I'm having a bad day.  If it's a bad day then I'll just tone it down a bit and stick with just the yoga and maybe a little cardio. Don't want to make the pain worse, that would really suck.

Having all these pain issues is driving me up the wall.  Especially the unknown disease called Fibromyalgia that's causing a lot of the pain. So much badness with it, like memory issues, sleep issues, depression, lots of pain and stiffness, All that also goes along with menopause, osteoarthritis and the degenerative disc disease, and maybe with the osteoporosis. My MiL sent me a cookbook for fibromyalgia, I really should look through it and see what I can do with the recipes. You never know, they just might help with the pain and other symptoms.

On a different note, my foster daughter, Izzy, asked me if I'd start making show leads out of paracord. She wants to bring me the supplies and see what I can come up with, she said that they're selling for as much as 45$ a piece at shows.  I'll give it a try, not sure if it'll amount to anything but I can at the very least try. If this works out then I might just start and online store and sell them that way too.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.


< /RANT >

Pisses me off...

I swear to Gods, no matter what the hell is going on Strider has to go hide in the damned computer room.  I understand that the computer is in there, but he goes in there and starts playing Facebook games! Really?! Are those games really that important to him? Seriously pisses me off.

Today I had asked him to hang out with Bug outside while she played outside in the small pool, what does he do? He sits in the fucking dining room and plays a game on his cell phone with the window open!! That's apparently his idea of watching her!! What the fuck!!

He refuses to work out, he refuses to eat less, he's getting fat and he doesn't seem to give a shit. Gah! I'm putting on weight and it's turning into fat, so I
m working out, riding my bike 2 days a week, plus going to PT three days a week.  I still try to get the flab gone even with all that pain I'm in every single fucking day. If I can do it why the hell can't he? Lazy! That's why, he's fucking lazy!

My mom seems to think that she needs to know everything that's going on with Bug, especially at school.  It's as though she's trying to be a mom to Bug. Sorry, I'm Bug's mom, not her. She wasn't that good of a mom when I was growing up. To be honest, she wasn't quite right, she was always lashing out verbally, physically, and psychologically. She was always so damned angry all the time, she's still angry all the time.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe it's not jealousy, jealousy over the fact that I'm still married to a man that loves me and she's not. She ended up losing her marriage when I was three, could she still be holding a hatred over it? She's always bringing up the past and trying to get me to side with her. She even told me that my grandparents used to abuse her, beat her and such. I'm sorry, but I can't believe that, not even a little bit.  She always says how her sister hates her, and how her sister had been mean to her during her sisters son's funeral. I don't think it was all my aunt's fault, there's got to be a reason behind it all.  Even my aunt won't talk about it, she even told me that she doesn't want to talk about or even hear my mom's name at all after what she did, but she won't tell me what she had gone. Gah! That's frustrating as all hell.

There are so many inconsistencies when my mom talks about something that it's so obvious that she's lying. I'm starting to think that Bug's tendencies to tell tales and lye about things is something she's learning from my mom, so not good.

Just a little bit ago she called and was acting all "I gotta know what's going on" type of thing. She kept asking me to repeat when my appointments were tomorrow, she wants a reason to bitch about Strider. She's convinced that he's not a good dad or husband. You know what? The military takes him away from us, and I can deal with that. If she sees that as a failure as a husband and dad then she needs to wake to hell up and realize that his job isn't like a civilian job, he has no choice.

My mom said it was bullshit that he'd still deploy if the thing in my knee turned out to be cancer, well, I dunno, we'd have to see what happens when we get the results.

::sighs::  Somedays it's just not worth it to get out of bed or to start thinking about things, or to even answer the phone. lol


< /RANT >

Two scary words...

As though things couldn't get any worse they did...  I went in for the ultra sound of my right knee today.  Two of my doctors both said it was a Baker's Cyst...man were they wrong.  The lady who was doing the ultra sound said that it looked like a tumor...yup, a tumor.

That single word...tumor...can make the heart stop, the mind race, and fear to grip you as tight as steel bands.  No matter how strong you think you are, as soon as you hear those words in regards to yourself, you get spooked.  Of course Strider's not that freaked out about all of this, not like I expected him to even show it, but still.

I can't even go talk to my neighbor KA, she's been too busy hanging out with KM lately.  They've been inseparable, I guess it's good that they found each other, but did they have to stop talking to me? KM tries to act as though she cares, but I'm not even sure if she does anymore.  It's okay, I'm used to this happening, I can get through this without them if I have to.

I'm just hoping that this isn't the cancerous type of tumor, especially where it is, too close to the lymph node behind my knee, it's not good looking.  I've had one fight with cancer, if I have to fight it again, I will.

The really hard part is that I know that I'll need surgery to have it removed, but Strider won't be here for it.  He's deploying anytime within the next week, maybe two at the most.  With him leaving soon I need to stay strong and not let Bug see me crack.

Strider will be deploying for 6 months, when Bug was younger it was so much easier, but now that she's older, I have a feeling it'll be a bit rougher on both of us. We'll get through it, just have to keep busy and keep my chin up. Yet another word that's scary...deploying...

I think that's it for now...I need to get my head together so I can handle all this crap that's been piled onto my plate over this past month.


< /RANT >

At a loss...yet again

I'm at a loss, what am I supposed to do? On Friday my mom flipped out on me about her grill.  Strider and I both told her how easy it was to replace the igniter, as long as you followed the instructions.  She did it and then called me screaming and cursing at me.  When I asked her to stop yelling at me she got even worse, telling me to shove it up my ass then she hung up on me.  All weekend we hadn't heard from her, then today while I was at PT she called and left a message on the house phone. I called her back, which is the polite thing to do.  When I asked her what was up she said "I left you a message telling you". So I asked her why she was getting rid of the grill, her response was "Because I am." I was about to ask her a question about the location of a place I need to go to for therapy, and she said "That's all, good bye" and hung up on me. What the hell am I supposed to do? I feel as though I'm going in circles with her.

When she gets her way she's all sweet and nice, but as soon as one thing goes wrong or not in her favor she flips out and becomes very belligerent. Her personality seems so damned toxic, and I really don't want Bug exposed to that.

Last week she told Bug that she was going to buy her a new play-set, the very next day she said she wasn't going to do it, which upset Bug and made her cry. My mom told her to stop being so dramatic and deal with it.  Really? That's not how to treat a child, I don't care if they're crying or not. If you tell a child that you're going to do something and then change your mind and get snippy about it, you better expect the child to cry and be upset with you.

On Easter Sunday Strider's uncle D was in the area so he stopped by. He took us out for dinner, my mom included. It was a good time despite my mom being her usual self.  Last night when I was talking to D over the phone I voiced how I felt about my mom and the way she's been acting. He said that he wasn't sure how to approach the subject with me, but he felt that there was something wrong with my mom, as in mentally wrong. She seems to be almost bi-polar, yet when a psychiatrist mentioned it to her she freaked out and stormed out of his office, to me that says that she does have an issue that needs treatment.

I'm at a complete loss about what to do about her. I want Bug to spend time with her, yet with the way she acts I'm afraid to leave Bug there with her without either Strider or I there. She's my mom, and I do love her, yet the way she is makes me not want to be around her.  She's so lonely, and it's very obvious, if only she treated people better, maybe, just maybe, she'd have friends or maybe even a boyfriend. I feel sad for her, I really do.

No matter what she's talking about you can't tell if she's angry or not, she always sounds angry. Even when she's being nice she sounds so damned angry.  But gods forbid I mention it to her, she snaps and starts yelling at me. No matter what she's talking about she seems to change her story at least twice in the span of a few sentences, why can't she just be honest? Why can't she just be calm? Why can't she just be happy? The way she is has been teaching Bug how to fight with me, which I really dislike. Thanks to my mom Bug fights with me about almost everything, it needs to stop.

Time for a subject change before I get even more upset about this whole thing...



I went through a whole bunch of blood tests over the past few months, they tested me for everything they could think of that. They found that everything looks rather normal, and that I'm most certainly in menopause.  After all the tests the rheumatologist came to the determination that I have fibromyalgia, lovely, no? At least now I know why when I get stressed out or upset that I hurt a lot and my bowels are all irritated too. After some x-rays I was told that I have degenerative disc disease in my lower back and bone spurs. I also have osteoarthritis as well as osteoporosis. Oh yay.

Even with the pain I still do everything I used to do, just push through the pain and keep on trudging along. What else am I supposed to do? Give in? Yeah, that's not going to happen.

I'm one of the assistant leaders for Bug's girl-scout troop, she loves it so much.  It's amazing how much she's blossomed over the past few months since she started going to the meetings. She's also enjoying school, even though the curriculum is below what she knows. I've been contemplating pulling her out of the school come next year and home school her.  If I did that she'd get a better education, but at the same time she'd miss her friends, so I can't pull her out without upsetting her. Gah! Some-days it's so hard to keep a balance.

Strider's deploying either next month or in June, I need to figure out what Bug and I can do to keep her busy and happy all summer long while he's gone. Time to gather up some crafts supplies, make some plans to go places, see things, experience new adventures. Maybe a day trip up to the Living Museum, she'd love it. A trip to the Botanical Gardens would be great too, get her a better camera and let her take as many pictures as she wants. While Strider's gone I'll be paying my mom off and trying to save up to get Bug that new play-set she wanted. If everything goes right we should have most of the bills paid off, some of our debt to my mom paid off and the money saved up for Bug's play-set...or so I hope.

Strider's gone for a few days, so it's just Bug and I until Wednesday evening when he gets home. I'm not looking forward to him deploying in a few weeks or month, but I know that Bug and I will be just fine, we'll find things to do.


That's it for now...

< /RANT >

A little dirt never hurt anyone

Another day of working on clearing the area between the house and the neighbors fence.  I got about 3 more feet done while waiting for Strider to get the wheelbarrow from moms house. That makes 8 feet in total done, with it being 6 inches deep with pine needles and vines that's not bad for a total of 2 1/2 hours of working on it. My right knee is still hurting and that damned burning feeling in my left thigh is bugging me again...but I need to get this done otherwise it'll bug the crap out of me. We still need to get the new wood down around the front gardens, then it will be done except for getting the grass looking like grass again instead of weed central.

By the end of the day, meaning by the time I had to go pick Bug up at school, the entire area between the house and the fence cleared out.  Sure it was hard work, but it was fun, I enjoyed getting dirty and working outside.  Tomorrow Strider and I will work on the wood around the gardens when I get back from the doctor's.  Getting my knee and leg checked out.

I think the yard's looking pretty good so far, the gardens and such are going to be full of flowers soon.  Bug and I planted a whole bunch of wild flowers and sunflowers. As soon as I can I plan on raking up all the pine needles in the back yard as well as the front yard, maybe once we get that in check we can start getting the lawn looking better...I hope.

If it's clear again tonight I'll take another shot of the moon, I love how last nights shot came out blue, it was breathtaking. I was able to get some great shots of the Komodo Dragon at the Aquarium on Saturday, through the glass at just the right angle and there was no glare at all, not even a single reflection of anyone standing around the glass window. Sometimes I impress myself with the photos I take.

I'm not sure why, but I seem to take better photos of nature and animals then I do people. Even if the animal is moving the photo seems to come out better.  Maybe I'm just not as comfortable with people as I am with nature and animals.

< /RANT >

Politics...sad really

So, Newt Gingrich is running to "save the Western Civilization from Pagan culture"...look at your history people, paganism was here long before Jesus died on a cross....and the rep from Tennessee, John Ragan, says "it's virtually impossible to get AIDS from heterosexual sex"...and people would entrust our country to these kinds of people? Really?

I haven't seen any politicians I would trust. I'm still not sure about Romney, kind of on the fence about him, and Obama needs to get the fuck out.

I could have sworn that we the people had the right to remove politicians from office who were not doing their jobs. We need to scrap the whole bunch of them from the mayors all the way up to the president and start from scratch.  Lower their pay scales, remove their pensions unless they serve for 20+ years and take away the free college education for all their kids.  Stop giving to the welfare folks who refuse to get a job after a certain amount of time, stop sending our jobs to other countries and stop funding other countries.  As for illegal immigrants....get rid of them too, their a burden on our country.  Yes, I know that most of us are from immigrants that came to this country, but they did so legally.

The government type folk keep taking money from our military and education, why not take it from their own pockets? They make way more then they need to, personally I think they need to get paid what a lower middle class worker makes and see how difficult it is to make ends meet.  The price of groceries just keeps going up, the price of gas keeps rising...will we ever see the light of day again financially? I'm starting to doubt it. 

We're in the middle of a repression right now, it seems like we're steam rolling right toward a depression.  Sadly, though, there's not much that the average person like you or I can do about it, except keep voting the fat cats out and try to get better ones in.


< /RANT >

Lost Silk...it's sad...

I was rather disappointed when I saw that BJ's wasn't carrying Silk vanilla Soymilk anymore, so I asked at the member services desk, the response I got was "It's code 2, means we're not going to get it anymore, we're discontinuing selling it"  Umm...okay....but why?

So today I called BJ's corporate office and asked them the same question, they tried to offer me a substitute for twice the cost, yeah, not gonna happen.  After I got off the phone with BJ's I called Silk and talked them about it, I was told that all BJ's had to do was have their buyers call Silk and order the soymilk and it would be sent to them.

That seems easy enough, right? Well, it seems that to BJ's it's not that easy...come one people, seriously, do you have any idea how many people prefer the Silk brand over any other brand?  We buy it because Bug's allergic to milk protein, and yes, I've tried other brands, she didn't like the taste or texture of any of the other brands, but she loved Silk.

Aside from the milk protein allergy that Bug has, the other reason why we get the Silk from BJ's is due to the price. At Walmart, Food Lion, Kroger's and Farm Fresh it's about $4.99 for a half gallon.  At the commissary it's not much better.  BJ's had the double half gallon ( 1 gal total) pack for $4.99! And now they don't carry it anymore and I have 2 $1 off coupons!

Here's the message I sent to BJ's :

Please get Silk Soymilk Vanilla (2 half gallon pack) back in stock at the BJ's near me. Any substitute won't work, my daughter prefers Silk over all the other brands. My daughter cannot drink regular milk due to an allergy to milk protein, so the soymilk is very important.

http://silksoymilk.com/

After speaking to both a lady at your customer service as well as a lady at Silk, all that needs to be done is your buyers need to contact Silk and they'll be glad to supply your stores with the Silk Soymilk Vanilla. If the problem is with your distribution centers then your buyers need to express the customer need for the product.

Thank you in advance for your time and understanding, I hope to see Silk Vanilla Soymilk back in stock at the Chesapeake VA location soon.

Please let me know via email if and when it will be restocked, I would truly appreciate it.

I sent a similar message to Silk asking if there was a way for them to get in contact with the buyers from BJ's to get the Silk vanilla Soymilk back in stock.

It wasn't long ago that I was fighting with the school Bug's in to get the Silk soymilk in stock for breakfasts. Let me tell you, that was a long drawn out situation.

< /RANT >